Where Do You Draw The Line?

Legendary coaches Geno Auriemma and Anson Dorrance talk about two of the most competitive and complete players that they have coached and some of the secret sauce that made them great.  Both athletes could be pushed as hard as they need to be pushed and they both wanted to be told 'there is another level.'

Not everybody can be pushed as hard as Diana Taurasi and Michelle Akers; not everybody wants to be 'that' great.  But as coaches and as leaders, it is our job to find that line for each team and each individual and push our athletes past that line.  As Anson Dorrance said in closing, 'Usually if they don't achieve their potential, you were too soft on them.'  

There's a big price to be paid if you want to play with the best

Playing at Connecticut is nice, but there's a lot more that goes into it than just showing up in Storrs, putting your uniform on, and then running out of the tunnel in front of 16,000 people.  There is a big price to be paid for that and not every kid that watches on television understands what that price is until they get there.  And some kids are prepared to pay it, and some kids are not.

You have to know each kid and know how far you can push a kid, and it's not necessarily how far that they say that they can go.  Sometimes athletes think they want to be the best or they say that they want to be the best, but they might not really want to do all that it takes to be the best.

Some People (or Horses) Don't Know How to Train Slow

When the racehorse Secretariat was training between the Preakness and the Belmont, common training wisdom said to rest and pace the horse during this stretch of training so that they don't get too tired. But Secretariat only knew one way to train - fast.  Secretariat didn't run slow and didn't jog.  He only knew how to sprint and to work hard.  Everyone thought they were crazy for pushing the horse so hard, but Secretariat ended up winning the Belmont by 31 lengths.

You have to know who you are dealing with and how far you can push the team and each individual player.  Some teams you are unfair to because you are trying to get something (more) out of them that they can't give you.  Part of a coach's job is to find out how far they can push an athlete and push them a little farther.

You Have to Be There to Keep Them Encouraged

Some kids you can ask to do anything and none of it will be too much. That is how they become the best at something.  No matter how hard their coach pushes them when an athlete knows in their heart that they have what it takes to be the best, they will never be discouraged [to the point of quitting] - they will only take it as a challenge.  

But even the best get discouraged sometimes because even as great as they are or as great they think they are, there is going to come to a point in time where they will need you to reinforce in them that what they are doing is the right thing and that they are on the right track.  That is what they need from you.  They can probably be great without you, but they need you when they start to get discouraged because they want to be great so bad that when they are not there they get discouraged and you have to remind them.

What Do The Greats Want to Hear

When Anson Dorrance was coaching soccer great Michelle Akers, they would have player conferences before international matches to try to build a players confidence.  Michelle never wanted nor needed her confidence built.  All that she would want pre-game was constructive criticism of areas of her game that she could improve in.  There weren't any weaknesses in her game, so Dorrance would invent and create flaws in her game.  He loved coaching her because she got better, and better, and better because she was always looking for ways to improve her game.    She corrected every aspect of her game that had any sign of weakness and became the most complete player that he had ever seen.  All she wanted was information on things to work on to get better.

The best ones to coach are the ones who want to be told that there is another level, and the challenge as a coach is, 'Can you take this kid to his or her potential?'  'Where is that line going to be drawn?  'Where are you going to draw it?'  'Where are you going to take this kid' is the question that you have to ask yourself.  Usually, if they don't achieve their potential, you were too soft on them.  You have to challenge them enough.  The amazing thing about the human spirit is the heights that it can sore too.   There are going to be periods when they are going to lack confidence, but the critical elements to the great ones are that they are never going to lack self-belief.  So you ride that self-belief as long as you can.

Be A Great Teammate

Be a GREAT teammate.  Always.  The best teammates are great people.  They are respectful and helpful.  They are kind and loyal.  They are also tough and honest.  The best teammates push you every day.  They don’t take it easy on you.  They go as hard as they can go every time.  They want to beat you.  But when they beat you, the best teammates help you up, and they encourage you.  The best teammates celebrate when you do well and they help you recover when you fall.

Remember, you compete in practice, hard, but you are still on the same team.

To my daughter, who plays sports

To my daughter, who plays sports,

I love that you play sports.  I love watching you play.  I love watching you practice.  I love when you ask us about different things involving sports including, ‘Who is the best player right now,’ or ‘Why are they passing so much,’ or ‘Who is your favorite player ever,’ among many other questions.  I love seeing how you interact with your teammates.  I love seeing your confidence on the court and field, and I really love seeing you carry that confidence away from the game and into school and everyday life.  I love how competitive you are.  I love when you cry when you lose because it shows that you care.  I love how hard that you go at everything that you do, and I love that the work you put in to get better for sports has taught you that if you want to be good at anything, you have to be willing to put in the work.

I love that I get to share my passion for sports with you.  My parents loved sports and gave me that same love, and I am happy to pass that down to you.  Outside of family, sports has played the biggest role in my life.  The games, the practices, watching it on TV, traveling around the world – sports has given me so much, and I am glad that you are starting to see just a small part of what sports can do for you.

Remember that sports are fun and they are a competition, and you always have to find the right balance.  That means you have to come with energy and enthusiasm and positivity and a willingness to work hard.  Enjoying it and having fun is what keeps you going and is what keeps you coming back.  Always remember to enjoy the process.  But always remember to work hard!  Working hard is what keeps you good against the competition.  There are always other kids working and practicing just like you, so you have to stay ready for that.

As fun as sports are, they are hard as well.  I have cried a lot of tears over sports.  I have lost a lot. I have missed more shots than I have taken.  I have turned the ball over, I have been embarrassed, and I have been beaten.  I have been turned down and turned away.  But I also have bounced back every time.  That is the key – bouncing back.  Learning from your mistakes and learning from your losses.  Not being afraid to mess up because the mistakes really don’t matter.  What really matters are the lessons.  If you learn something new every day from sports then you will continue to get better.

I encourage you to always find enjoyment in the process, even when it is not fun.  Find ways to push yourself a little harder, and then find ways to relax and recover.  Enjoy getting better.  Enjoy working hard.  Enjoy winning.  Cry when you lose then enjoy learning the lessons that come from it and enjoy coming back better.  Love your coaches.  Love your teammates.  Respect your coaches and respect your teammates.  They both will help you become the best that you can be.  Listen to your coaches when they speak.  Give them eye contact.  Do what they ask the first time, then help others do the same.  Say thank you after every practice and mean it.  They are spending time away from their own daughters helping you, so show them and tell them how much you appreciate it. 

Help others, serve others, but don’t back down from anyone.  You might not be the biggest, tallest, and fastest, but you can be the toughest and the hardest worker.  If you are the toughest and never quit, you will always be okay.  

Respect the referees.  Respect your opponents.  Respect the game and respect the work that it takes to become good and then great.

Find a way to bring value to every team that you are on.  It might be scoring.  It might be passing.  It might be the hustle person that gets the ball back when your team loses it.  It might be the towel waiver from the bench!  Whatever your role is, bring value to the team.  This will help you in life.

Most importantly, keep God first.  God has a plan for you.  If you do right by God, you will do right by people and you will be blessed.  Be loyal and kind in all things and you do.

Good luck on YOUR journey.  Daddy loves you, and daddy is always here for you.

Love, Daddy

The Only Questions I Ask My Kids' Coaches

Does she listen?

Does he do what you are asking you to do?

Is she respectful?

Is he a good teammate?

Does she work hard for you?

What does he need to do to get better?

During the season, these are the only questions that I ask my kids' coaches.  I can see everything else, but I try to stay out of the way and let their coaches coach, and I let my kids play.  

I watch to see if my kids are having fun.  I watch to see if they are growing and developing, and I can tell if they are getting better in comparison to his/her peers, and I can tell if the team as a group is growing and getting better in comparison to other teams.  I care more about my kid's character and work ethic than anything because if they have the right foundation, I know that they will continue to get better.  But without the right foundation and without enjoying what they do, they will hit a plateau and won't be able to overcome adversity when it hits.

Before and after the season, when my kids get older and the leagues are more competitive and when we are investing money in quality coaches and programs, I start to ask questions like:

What is your coaching style and philosophy?

What role do you see my kid playing for this team?  

What are my kid's strengths and weaknesses?

How are you going to help grow my athlete's strengths and my athlete's weaknesses?

What are your plans to grow my athlete and the team as a whole?

I want my kids to grow up to be strong, independent, respectful, hardworking, kind and loyal adults, and sports is a part of the growing up process.  It is their journey, and I am just enjoying the process and enjoying each stage, but there are a few foundational, character things that I want to make sure that they are learning.

What Do You Do AFTER You Mess Up?

Everybody is good - until they mess up.  When you mess up, when you miss, when you turn it over, when you lose - that is when we find out how good you really are.  Being good isn't about 'not' messing up.  Being good is about doing your best, bouncing back and learning from failure, then doing your best again.

Are You A Coach's Favorite?

Every coach has his or her favorites.  And those favorites are not always the biggest, strongest, fastest player on the team that scores the most goals, or gets all of the touchdowns or makes the most 3's.  

Coaches love players who are fun to coach.  Coaches love players who love playing and who bring energy and enthusiasm every day.  Coaches love players who want to come to practice, players who want to learn, and players who want to get better.

Coaches love players who they can COACH.  Of course, coaches want to win.  But coaches also want to share their love, knowledge and passion for the game, and they want you to grow and learn so that you can become the best player that you can be.  To do that, players must want feedback and constructive criticism so that they know what they are doing well and what they need to work on to get better.

Coaches love players who show up on time, who are prepared, and who give eye contact.  When a coach talks, they love players who are actively listening and paying full attention to him or her and not their friends.  Coaches love players who say yessir, no sir and yes ma'am and no ma'am.  Coaches love players who show respect to everybody: their parents, their teammates, their friends, their coaches, the referees, their opponents, etc.

Coaches also love players who don't back down.  They love players who are not afraid of mistakes because they know that mistakes are a part of growing and getting better; you can't become the best at what you do without making A LOT of mistakes along the way.  Coaches love players who learn from their mistakes and don't dwell on their mistakes.  Coaches love players who are tough and are willing to compete every day with themselves and their teammates.  Coaches love players who come in early and stay late.  Coaches love when they see players working on the things that they are trying to teach them.

Coaches love players who go all out on every sprint, touch every line, and take no shortcuts.  Coaches love players who do the little extra in every drill.  Doing one little extra thing, in every drill, every day goes a long way over the course of a career.  Coaches love players who are first in line.  Coaches love players who try to get extra reps.  When the lines are uneven, coaches love the players who willing come back to go with that last group.

Coaches love players who ask their coach about their day, their family and their lives outside of practice.  Coaches love players who genuinely want to get to know them.  Coaches love when their players use the lessons that they taught outside of the game.  Coaches love seeing their players grow up and become productive, happy adults.  Coaches love being invited to their players' weddings and seeing pictures of their players' kids on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.  Coaches love knowing that they played a valuable part of your life, and coaches are happy and relieved to know that they didn't mess their part up.

Yes, your coach has favorites.  You can easily be one of them, and it has NOTHING to do with your talent.  It has EVERYTHING to do with your character.

Are you a coach's favorite?

The Happy Secret to Working Better

10% of your happiness comes from the external world.  90% of your long term happiness comes from the way your brain processes the outside world.  When we change our perception of the world and start to look at the world in a more positive light, we will be happier.

25% of job success is predicted by IQ.  75% depends on your optimism levels, your social support, and your ability to stress as a challenge instead of a threat.  So, being a happier, more optimistic person can triple your job performance.

As a society, we need to reverse the formula for happiness and success.  

Most use the formula – ‘If I work harder, then I will be more successful.  If I am more successful, then I will be happier.’  The problem is that every time you experience success, you just change the goal post of what success looks and feels like.  ‘You got good grades, now you have to get better grades.  You got into one school, now you have to get into a better school.  You got a good job, now you have to get a better job.’ 

If happiness is on the other side of success then your brain never gets there.  We have pushed happiness on the other side of the horizon because we think that we have to get something to be successful.

Our brains work in the opposite direction; happiness precedes success.  If you can raise somebody’s level of positivity in the present, then their brain experiences the Happiness Advantage.  When your brain is positive, you perform better.

You can train your brain to become more positive.  In just 2 minutes a day, for 21 days in a row, you can rewire your brain to scan for the positives in life before the negative, and making you a happier, more optimistic person.