What Are Restorative Practices?

"No significant learning occurs without a significant relationship."

- Dr. James Comer

My mother spent over 20 years in the trenches of education as a middle school principal. Anybody who has spent time on a middle school campus knows the joys and struggles of working with, teaching, and training middle school students. It takes a special kind of love, patience, and skill to reach and teach middle school kids.

One of the most impactful things my mother shared with me when I was first going into education was, "They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

What she meant was, kids don't care if you are the smartest, most accomplished teacher the world has ever seen; if you can't connect with them and build meaningful relationships with them, you won't be able to inspire and motivate them to learn and perform at the highest levels.

Effective teachers form authentic, caring relationships with their students (Cacciatore). Research shows that just one meaningful relationship can change someone's brain development, heal trauma, and improve learning and performance.

But today, in both education and sports, we are seeing an exodus unlike anything we have ever seen before. Teachers are leaving the profession at higher rates than ever before, and the transfer portal in college sports is filled with more athletes than ever as well.

Now more than ever, leaders and teachers in coaching and education could benefit from creating a culture that keeps people happy, hopeful, engaged enough to come back.

Gallup is a global analytics and advice firm that helps leaders and organizations solve their most pressing problems. They have done studies that show that engagement and job satisfaction increases when we are able to do what we do best every day. They also report that knowing that you are valued and feeling like you belong increases performance, job satisfaction, and well-being. The need for belonging is psychologically important.

Restorative Practices are a process through which we can build, sustain, and repair or restore relationships. It is a tool that we use to teach and train expectations and behavior. It is also a tool that can be used to help your team and teammates feel like they belong and like they are valued.

Restorative Practices were originally looked at as a way to address discipline issues, but it has morphed into a relationship-building and restoring tool, while also finding meaningful ways to teach and train behavior and finding meaningful ways to hold people accountable.

Restorative Practices might also be a tool that can help you attract and sign potential recruits and help integrate them into the team.

There are 4 major components to Restorative Practices:

1 - Community Building (Proactive) Circles
Circles, a symbol of community, are the tools we use to build and sustain relationships. The goal of the circle is to get to know the people on your team better through an intentional series of questions. It is a simple but meaningful process where you sit or stand in a circle, ask a question that allows you to get to know your team better, and give everyone the opportunity to share, listen, and learn from and about each other.

2 - Treatment Agreements
We all respond to praise and criticism differently. A Treatment Agreement allows us to share how we want to be treated, praised and redirected. A Treatment Agreement asks 4 questions:

1 – How do we want teammates to treat each other?
2 – How does the coach want to be treated by the team?
3 – How does the team want to be treated by the coach?
4 – How are we going to treat the facilities?

3 - Affective Language
Words have power! Our impact does not always match our intentions, and affective language is a way to influence the people you work with by expressing how someone’s actions affected you, impacted you, and made you feel.

Using ‘I feel ___ because ___’  statements are an effective way to acknowledge success, failure, hard work, or any other desirable or undesirable behavior.

4 - Restorative Circles
Conflict is a part of every relationship, and circles are the tools we use to address conflict and harm. A Restorative Circle brings together everyone who was harmed. A simple, 4-question protocol to use is:

1 – What happened?
2 – What was the intent?
3 – What was the impact?
4 – What do we need to do to make things right?

As of today, there are over 1,800 Division 1 and Division 2 basketball players in the transfer portal. Restorative Practices could be a valuable relationship-building and relationship restoring tool in the world of athletics.

Read more about the different tools within Restorative Practices here: Restorative Practices tools.

References:

1 - Cacciatore, Gina. Teacher-Student Relationships Matter. Harvard Graduate School of Education. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/21/03/teacher-student-relationships-matter

2 - Washington, Ella. How to Use CliftonStrengths to Develop Diversity and Inclusion. Gallup. https://www.gallup.com/workplace/243251/cliftonstrengths-develop-diversity-inclusion.aspx

WEEK 13 | LEARN TO SERVE OTHERS

After a tough loss in the 2nd round of the 2022 NCAA Tournament, Wisconsin basketball player Brad Davison was asked, “How do you want people to remember you when they look back on your career?”

His response was:

 

“As somebody who gave their heart and soul into trying to be a great teammate, leader, friend, and brother. Somebody who tried to do everything he could to help his team win, but to be honest, I hope basketball is not the first thing people think about when they think of me. I hope it’s an interaction that we had, or maybe a picture or an autograph or a conversation. I hope it’s bigger than basketball or just me wearing the 34 jersey. I hope that’s how my teammates see me and how my coaches view me as well. Those are the things I really value. I love the game of basketball, but I know that I am not defined by my performance or wins and losses.”

 

In the book Chop Wood and Carry Water, Joshua Medcalf wrote, “Things like winning, rebounding, or beating your opponents' records, can distract us from what is most important: the person we become on the journey.

 

Brad’s response was a living example of that quote. He knew that basketball was what he did, but it wasn’t who he was, and the most important part of his journey as a basketball player was the person he was becoming as a result of playing basketball, and he had a clear idea of the type of person who he wanted to become.

 

Many of us have dreams of being great athletes, but our ultimate goal should be to become great people, because at some point, we all retire from the game, and all we are left with are our memories and how we impacted the people around us.

 

Brad's response reminds me of the story in the Bible where the disciples asked Jesus who was the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. When they asked him this, Jesus called a little child to him and said:

 

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

 

But what does that really mean, and what does that look like in action?

 

Just before the Passover Festival, Jesus knew that his time on earth was coming to an end and he was getting ready to face the cross.  He was eating dinner with his disciples when he got up from his meal, got a towel, and began washing his disciples' feet. When he was finished washing and drying all of their feet, Jesus said to them,

 

"You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them (John 3:1-17)."

When Jesus knew he was getting ready to face the most important battle in his life, his response was to wash his disciples' feet. The message he sent to his disciples and to the rest of the world was: Learn to serve others. He even washed the feet of Judas, the disciple who betrayed him.

Every day when you wake up, look for opportunities to serve, help, and bless others. Join every team and go into every relationship thinking, "How can I help you, how can I make your life better, and how can I bring value to you and the team?"

The hard part is that we all have something inside of us that screams, "What about me?" Society praises and celebrates the elite and the best of the best. But if we focus on serving others in whatever ways we can, we can help make the world a better place, and it will fill our own lives with love, joy, and peace.

Every day we have opportunities to bless and serve others, but we let most of those opportunities pass us by because we either don't see them or we see them as burdens. Every miracle that Jesus performed for someone else, he did so while he was on his way somewhere and after being interrupted by someone.

The world is hurting. People are sad, lonely, and need a blessing or a miracle. You have the opportunity to be that blessing or miracle for the people you work with and do life with.

Every day, wake up looking for ways to bless and serve people. Look for opportunities to wash the feet of the people you work with and do life with.

THIS WEEK

1 - What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered by your teammates and the people you do life with?

2 - How often do you serve or bless other people?

3 - What keeps you from serving or blessing other people?

4 - What can you do to find more people to serve or bless?

5 BIBLE VERSES ABOUT SERVING OTHERS

1 - "My brothers and sisters, what good is it if people say they have faith but do nothing to show it? Claiming to have faith can’t save anyone, can it? Imagine a brother or sister who is naked and never has enough food to eat. What if one of you said, 'Go in peace! Stay warm! Have a nice meal!?' What good is it if you don't actually give them what their body needs? In the same way, faith is dead when it doesn’t result in faithful activity."
- James 2:14-17

2 - "Don’t forget to do good and to share what you have because God is pleased with these kinds of sacrifices."
- Hebrews 13:16

3 - "In the same way, let your light shine before people, so they can see the good things you do and praise your Father who is in heaven."
- Matthew 5:16

4 - "Don't withhold good from someone who deserves it, when it is in your power to do so."
- Proverbs 3:27

5 - "The crowds asked him, 'What then should we do?' He answered, 'Whoever has two shirts must share with the one who has none, and whoever has food must do the same.'"
- Luke 3:10-11

For a Google doc version of this devo, click here: Week 13 devotional

The Case for Belonging

I heard a dad once ask another dad, “Do you and your daughter ever just go outside and shoot?”

The dad being questioned was worried because his daughter wasn’t performing to her full potential on the basketball court, and this was the other dad’s subtle way of reminding him that the game should be fun and there should be some unstructured, fun moments where a dad can shoot with his daughter without focusing on achievement and the score.

Sports can be both fun and competitive, and when done right, they can help us learn more about ourselves and grow as people.

But we often place more of an emphasis on success and achievement than on mental health, well-being, joy.

School culture can be very similar. We often spend more time focusing on achievement and test scores than on the well-being and social and emotional health of the people we work with and the students we teach. The classroom can be so focused on achievement that we often value people for what they do and can achieve over who they are. 

We live and work in a society that values trophies and test scores above belonging and well-being, but research and psychology show that hope, well-being, and achievement come after belonging and not before it.

Belonging is experiencing appreciation, validation, acceptance, and fair treatment (Cobb 2019). Belonging is being accepted for who you are, feeling valued for who you are, and feeling safe being who you are.

When people feel that they belong, they aren’t distracted and worried about being treated differently or as a stereotype. They don’t put time and energy into trying to fit in or worry as much about what others think about them and their differences.

When people feel like they belong, they can put all of their focus into becoming the best version of themselves.

Belonging is an essential part of the human experience, and research shows that our relationships are the greatest indicator of success, well-being, and happiness. 

Belonging affects how we perform and how we feel. Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murphy said that the lack of belonging in society is a growing health epidemic. The rate of loneliness in our country has doubled since the 1980s.

Studies show that loneliness is a greater health risk than obesity, and it is comparable to smoking almost one pack of cigarettes a day.

People who are deeply connected to someone or to a group or community but have unhealthy habits (like smoking and alcohol) consistently outlive people who have extremely healthy habits but are not relationally connected to any group.

The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of your relationships.

In the 1940s, psychologist Abraham Maslow developed Maslow’s hierarchy of needs after a 6-week visit to the Blackfoot nation. He found that motivation depends on the fulfillment of certain human needs, and he even ranked them in order, and belonging comes before self-esteem and achievement:

1 - Physiological

2 - Safety

3 - Belonging

4 - Self-Esteem (and achievement)

5 - Self-Actualization

We need to feel like we belong in order to achieve, and our self-worth and self-esteem rise when we have a community, team, or classroom in which we feel like we belong.

When we put achievement over belonging, we are skipping a step in Maslow's process, and we are creating unhealthy, toxic environments where we run the risk of damaging our students, our athletes, and our educators' well-being, health, and performance. When we use achievement to determine who is worthy and who is not, it can lead to higher dropout rates, lower teacher retention, stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and burnout.

When people have to spend their time and energy worrying about fitting in, this belonging uncertainty negatively affects their performance, satisfaction, and hope. This creates gaps that not everyone is able to climb out of, and gaps nobody should have to climb out of.

We are hardwired for connection. We are more confident and perform better when we are seen and valued for who we are.

We can’t achieve at the highest level or reach our fullest potential if we don’t feel like we belong, and as coaches, educators, leaders, and parents, it’s our job to intentionally design, create, and cultivate an environment where everyone feels like they belong, like they are valued, and where they are safe to be who they are.

Barriers to Belonging

 - Prioritizing achievement over well-being

 - Dehumanizing language like ‘those kids,’ instead of ‘our kids,’ or, ‘those people,’ instead of, ‘our people.’

 - Undervaluing the home cultures of the people we live with, work with, and play with

 - Requiring achievement in order to belong

Negative Effects of a Lack of Belonging

 - Lower achievement and performance

 - Loneliness and depression

 - More energy spent on fitting in than achieving

How to Overcome Barriers To Belonging

 - Validate, validate, validate the thoughts, feelings, experiences, and cultures of others.

 - Appreciate, admire, and honor the diversity that everyone brings.

 - Accept and embrace people completely for who they are without conditions.

 - Treat everyone fairly. Have fair and just interactions and meaningful accountability. Fair treatment may require different approaches to meet different needs.

 - Care. Care about the people you work with, live with, and do life with. You won’t like everything about everybody, but you can genuinely care about everyone as a person. They don’t care what you know until they know that you care, and if the leader doesn’t care about the people that they lead, they eventually won't have anyone to lead.

Resources

1 - Cobb, F. and Krownapple, J. (2019). Belonging Through a Culture of Dignity: The Keys to Successful Equity Implementation. Mimi and Todd Press.

2 - Maslow. A.H. (1943). A Theory of Human Motivation. Classics in the History of Psychology. http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm

WEEK 12 | The Battle for Self-Control

Have you ever wondered why some athletes get better from game to game or season to season, why some athletes stay the same, and why some get worse?

A big reason for growth and development, or a lack of growth and development, is purposeful and deliberate practice.

I tell my athletes the race to greatness is a race to 10,000 hours. Author Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book called Outliers, and in it, he shared how research has shown that it takes 10 years, or 10,000 hours, of deliberate practice to really master something.

Andres Ericsson is the world’s expert on world experts. He studies what experts do to make them special. He says that deliberate practice has 4 key ingredients:

1 - Specific practice and goal
2 - Focus (100% Focus on the task)
3 - Feedback (Information-rich information on how to get better)
4 - Refinement (Constant learning and improvement)

You can run every day for a year and never get faster if you don’t have a specific goal, if you aren’t focused, if you don’t get feedback, and if you don’t make any adjustments.

The 10,000-hour rule requires love and passion for something, and it requires self-control.

Ericsson said, “Get outside your comfort zone but do it in a focused way, with clear goals, a plan for reaching those goals, and a way to monitor your progress. Oh, and figure out a way to maintain your motivation.”

Self-control is the ability to override short-term impulses so that you can do today what your future self will thank you for. It is often the skill that you need to practice and grow to reach your goals and to have sustained success.

Research shows that having self-control can make you happier, healthier, and more successful.

If we want to have real love, joy, peace, and success, we have to have self-control, and we have to be aligned with God's purpose for our life. We get that alignment by reading the Bible regularly and through prayer. When we aren't in alignment with God and His word, it's like we are in a constant Tug-of-War.

There are many barriers to self-control. Some include:

1 - Greed
2 - Envy
3 - Anger
4 - Comparison
5 - Fear
6 - Anxiety

Those barriers are why fighting for self-control is a battle, but we are told to be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might, and to put on the whole armor of God, that we may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil (Ephesians 6:10-11).

The story of Jesus being tempted in the wilderness showed that even Jesus faced temptations and can serve as a template or model for how to maintain your self-control.

In Matthew 4, Jesus was led up to the wilderness by the Spirit where he was tempted by the devil. After fasting for 40 days and 40 nights, Jesus became hungry and the devil said, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread. Jesus said back, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Then the devil took Jesus to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you,’ and, ‘On their hands, they will bear you up lest you strike your foot against a stone.’”

Jesus said to him, “Again it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

The devil then took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory in an attempt to tempt him for the 3^rd time. The devil said to Jesus, “All these I will give you if you will fall down and worship me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Be gone, Satan! For it is written, “You shall worship the Lord your God, and he only shall you serve.’”

Then the devil left him, and angels came ministered to Him.

Jesus used the word of God as His sword in his battle for self-control against the devil and temptation. He said that we live on the word of God and not food alone, we do not test God, and we only worship and serve the one true God.

He then told the devil to leave! He told temptation, distractions, and barriers to his self-control to leave.

We can do the same. Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10)."

Through faith in God, belief in Jesus, and self-control, we can do anything.

THIS WEEK
1 – What is one time where you practiced self-control and you saw success from it?
2 – When do you feel like you have the most self-control?
3 – When do you feel like you don’t have a lot of self-control?
4 – What is a quote or Bible verse that you can use when you are struggling with your self-control?

5 BIBLE VERSES ABOUT SELF-CONTROL

1 - For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.
- 2nd Timothy 1:7

2 - A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.
- Proverbs 25:8

3 - For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
- 2 Peter 1: 5-8

4 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
- 1 Corinthian 10:3

5 - My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
- James 1:19-20 

6 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
- 2nd Corinthians 12:9

For a Google doc version of this devo, click here: Week 12 Devo 

Character Drives Performance

Character is who you are, it is what you do, and it is why you do what you do.

Character drives performance. When your character is high, your work ethic is high and your intensity and integrity are high.

When your character is high, you do the right things, the right way, for the right reasons.

When your character is high, your performance raises.

The healthier you are, most importantly at the character level, the better you are going to perform. The better you are able to understand what life is all about and integrate failure - because failure is going to come at some point - the better you will perform and the better you will be able to handle and overcome adversity.

If you want to improve your performance, focus on improving your character.

Week 11 | Faith: Confidence in What We Hope For

Every coach and athlete has been afraid, nervous, and anxious before or during a game at some point (or all of the time). They are natural responses when you are doing something that you love because when you love something and you want to be good at it, there is some pressure that comes with it.

I knew a great athlete who would put her hair in her mouth every time she got nervous. She was confident in herself and her abilities, but she was still nervous in the big games.

We gave her 5 simple tools to help her with her nervousness:

1 - Focus on the now. Don’t focus on what could happen; focus on doing what you need to do right now. Now could mean tying your shoes, putting on your jersey, getting a good stretch, or making the game-winning shot. Don’t worry about what could happen. Keep your mind focused on what is happening and on doing the next, best thing.

2 - Find a routine. When you have a good routine, you can focus more on the now instead of allowing your mind to wander. Having a shooting routine can help you make a game-winning free-throw, hit the game-winning home run, or shoot the game-winning penalty kick.

3 - Breathe deeply. The Harvard Medical School has found that deep breathing can “slow the heartbeat and lower or stabilize blood pressure.” This can help you stay calm and ready to do what you need to do to be successful.

4 - Accept failure. Michael Jordan once said, “I have failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.” Failure is a part of life. You won’t make every shot, and you won’t win every game. One miss or one loss doesn’t define you. Just play hard…

5 - … And have fun. We play sports because we want to win and get in good shape. We also play sports because they are fun. Never lose the joy of playing the games you love.

My final tool is to have faith in your preparation. The harder you work, the more confidence and faith you will have that you will do well.

The Bible talks a lot about having faith. Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:3 says that by faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command.

Faith is having complete trust or confidence in someone or something. That something can be in the hard work you put in, or it can be in God and the fact that God created the world Jesus died for us.

The story of David and Goliath is one of the most famous stories about putting all of your faith in God. The Israelites, God’s people, were being attacked by the Philistines. Every morning for 40 days, a giant Philistine named Goliath would challenge any Israelite to fight him. Goliath was bigger, taller, and meaner than everyone else, and he wore heavy armor and carried a huge sword, spear, and large shield.

Everyone was afraid to fight Goliath; except David.

David was a young shepherd who went to the battlefield to check on his older brothers when he found out that everyone was scared of Goliath. David, while taking care of his flock of sheep, once killed both a lion and a bear who tried to attack them, so he was not afraid to take on Goliath. 

David told the king, Saul, “The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”

King Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you.”

They tried to dress David in a coat of armor and a bronze helmet, and give him a large sword to face the giant, but he wasn’t used to them and didn’t want them. David only wanted his slingshot and 5 smooth stones. When we have faith and when we are prepared, all we need is God on our side and not a bunch of extra tools.

When David approached Goliath, Goliath made fun of David and cursed at him, but David said back to him, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

As Goliath moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the head. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand, he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

David ran and stood over Goliath. He took Goliath's sword after he killed him, he cut off his head.

When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.

That is faith. David had so much faith that he ran at the biggest, meanest, toughest warrior that the Philistines had, he challenged the giant and won. David went on to become one of the most important kings in the Bible. There are popular statues of David all over the world, and it all began because he had faith in God and he wasn’t afraid of the giant in front of him.

We all have giants in our lives. Fear, nervousness, and anxiousness are three of them. But with faith, work, and action, we too can overcome those giants and show the world that with and through God, all things are possible.

THIS WEEK

1 - What is one time where you did something that you didn’t think you could do?

2 - What is one time where you were afraid to do something but you did it anyway?

3 - What is one time where you let fear or doubt keep you from doing something you wanted to do?

4 - If you could give yourself advice or a Bible verse to use to overcome your fears or doubt, what would it be?

5 BIBLE VERSES ABOUT FAITH

1 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

2 - “Now faith is a confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

- Hebrew 11:1

3 - “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

- Romans 8:28

4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
- Psalm 23:4

5 - Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
- Hebrews 13:5-6

For a Google doc version of this Devo, click here: Week 11| Faithfulness

Week 10 | The Right Amount of Strength and Gentleness

A coach asked the dad of a player on his team, “When do you and your daughter go outside and just shoot baskets for fun?”

The dad’s daughter is an elite basketball player. She is one of the best athletes in her state. She works hard and plays harder. She is tough, she has grit, and she is a great teammate.

She is a coach’s dream.

But the coach’s question made the dad pause and think. Everything with her and her family is based on hard work, grit, and having a growth mindset, and the success they have experienced shows that this formula has worked.

But this was the coach’s gentle reminder to the dad to appropriately monitor the balance between achievement and social and emotional health and well-being.

This was the coach’s gentle reminder to keep grinding and working hard because those are requirements of greatness, but also to have fun and enjoy the process because if you aren’t enjoying it, why are you doing it?

Gentleness is a fruit of the spirit. In Matthew, Jesus said, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit (Matthew 7:15-17).

What are the fruits that we should be producing?

In Galatians, the Apostle Paul wrote, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

When we think of what type of athletes and leaders we want to be, this list is a great place to start. If it is not on this list, you probably don’t need to pursue it.

In the old King James Version of the Bible, gentleness was translated as “meekness,” which can be seen as weak. But gentleness is more than that being weak and giving in. 

Gentleness is showing care and respect for others in the way that you think, act, and speak. It is being kind, considerate, and extending mercy and grace, even when you are holding people accountable. Gentleness is being firm and holding people accountable, but in a meaningful way through which they will actually listen and respond instead of shut down, dismiss, and fight back.

It is easy to see gentleness as a weakness or as passivity, but true gentleness requires great strength, self-awareness, and self-control. You can be demanding, critical, and still teach, train, and redirect with gentleness.

Jesus was an example of a strong, firm leader who also led with gentleness.

Cast The First Stone

One day while Jesus was teaching, the Pharisees brought in a woman who had been caught doing something she shouldn’t have been doing. 

The Pharisees wanted to stone the women, but Jesus stopped them. He said to them, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone (John 8:7).” 

We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. We are all guilty of sinning, but we still have to hold ourselves and others accountable. We can do that with gentleness when we aren’t too harsh or mean about it, but instead lead with empathy, understanding, and compassion. When you have to correct someone or hold someone accountable, set an example by the way you do it. Respond with the right combination of gentleness and strength. Respond knowing that you make mistakes too and in a way that inspires and motivates your teammates to keep learning, growing, and going.

The Lord is My Shepherd

You can lead others with gentleness because Jesus led with gentleness. Psalm 23 is a great chapter that shows how God is gentle with us as He protects us:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Because we know how God leads us with gentleness, we can know how to lead others with gentleness. In this verse, David wrote that he walks in the shadows of death and sits with his enemies, and because the Lord is his shepherd, he lacks nothing. David lies in green pastures beside quiet waters, he was refreshed, he is guided along the right paths, he fears no evil, he is anointed, and his cup overflows.

David was better because He had God in his life. We don't have the knowledge and power of God, but we can work hard to make the lives of those around us better, even while well lead, direct, and correct them if we do so with strength and gentleness.

A Gentle Answer

I struggle when I have to repeat myself. I also struggle when someone doesn’t know or do something that I think they should know or do. I have to continue to work on how I act and respond in those situations. Proverbs 15:1-2 tells how gentle words can bring us peace. It says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.”

Great leaders know their personnel. We call that KYP - Know Your Personnel. This means that they know what each individual on their team can and can't do, and they respond accordingly. Some people can catch every pass, receive each first touch softly and firmly, and can pass you open, but many people bobble or drop tough passes, have a bad first touch, and don't play with their head up enough to find you when you are open. Great leaders know this about their teammates, and because they do, they know how to respond accordingly with the right combination of gentleness and strength.

The best leaders know when to be firm and when to be gentle. The best leaders know that some people need that tough love, and for some, harsh words turn up anger while gentle words turn it down.

Sometimes leading others requires some tough love, but often, it requires some gentleness so that we are all working with each other and not for or against each other.

Sometimes you need to go super-hard in your drills, and sometimes you just want to go outside and shoot because playing sports is one of the funniest things to do in the world.

THIS WEEK

1 - Think about a time when you messed up, but your coach, teacher, parent, or leader was gentle in the way they correct or redirected you. Was that a meaningful or valuable way of leading?

2 - Think about a time when you made a mistake, and instead of reacting with grace and gentleness. Your coach, teacher, parent, or leader reacted aggressively and without grace or gentleness. How did that make you feel and cause you to react? Did it make you a better athlete and person?

3 - When you lead, do you lead with more gentleness, more strength, or the right combination of the two? If you don't have the right combination, which do you need more of?

4 - When you are talking to yourself, do you speak with gentle words of encouragement and positive affirmations, or do you speak with fear, doubt, and aggressive pessimism. What Bible verses or inspirational words or quotes can you use to bring some gentle accountability to your life?

5 Bible Verses About Gentleness

1 - But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceful, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
- James 3:17

2 - I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. With all lowliness and humility, with patience, bearing with one another in love.
- Ephesians 4:1-3

3 - A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- Proverbs 15:1

4 - Remind them to be in subjection to rulers and to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, not to be contentious, to be gentle, showing all humility toward all men.
- Titus 3:1-2

5 - In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.
- 1 Peter 3:15-16

For a Google doc version of this devo, click here: Week 10 | Gentleness