My Kids Are Better People Because You Coached Them

I heard a superintendent tell a group of coaches this last week.  It had to have been one of the best compliments that a coach can hear, especially coming from a boss.  In a world where parent complaints and transfer rates are seemingly at all time highs, and when every other week we see articles where coaches either resign or are fired because of parent issues, hearing your superintendent say something like this has to be a reassuring and rewarding gesture.

Having a parent genuinely feel this way about the time that I spent with their athlete is one of my ultimate goals as a coach.  I want them to feel like I helped their kid become a better athlete and a better person, and I would love for them to be grateful and appreciative of the time and energy that I gave to their athlete.

But how do we get to this point?  

It starts with focusing on growing our athletes and helping them become the best people and athletes that they can be, and we need to make sure that their experience throughout this process is a positive one.  It comes from putting more of a focus on the human aspect of sports and performance - growing people, and when we invest in our people and help them grow, winning results will follow (if we are strong enough in our knowledge of our sport and are continuously learning and getting better ourselves as coaches and leaders).

Brett Ledbetter is one of the best guys in the world right now on terms of sports psychology and driving performance.  The foundation of his message is that when we build character in our athletes, it produces hardworking, accountable, passionate people who know what it takes to be successful and who are willing to do what it takes to get better.  Being intentional about how we go about growing athletes is important, and it is much more than just skill - we have to spend a lot of time on the human aspect of growth and development, and we have to do so in a way that the process is enjoyable and not a drag or we risk losing our kids in the process.

One way to do that is to identify and align self-interests.  Each athlete has a specific 'why' for playing sports, and that 'why' might not always align with what is best for others or for the team.  It is important for us coaches to know the 'why' behind all of our players and to know what they want to get out of this season and out of sports as a whole.  We have to be intentional about building relationships with our athletes to know what their goals are, what motivates them, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and to know what they are confident in and what their fears are.  Knowing these things can help us help them grow as individuals and as athletes, and it can help us motivate them in a way that keeps them pushing to achieve their own goals and to help the team achieve their collective goals.  

There is nothing more frustrating than coaching a kid who is acting only in ways that benefits himself, even to the detriment to the team.  Instead of beating our head into the wall disciplining or lecturing the kid into doing what we want, what if we merged his wants and actions with what is best for the overall team?  At the end of the day, most people want to be recognized for doing high level work, and for a high school kid, that could mean making the team, becoming a starter averaging a certain amount of points, earning all district and/or becoming a Division 1 athlete.  There is nothing wrong with having any of those goals and we should encourage all of our kids to become goal-oriented, but we should also teach them how their goals should always align with goals that are what is best for the team or organization.

We don't want to burn out their fire, but we also don't want to let their fire burn down the whole house.  We don't want to eliminate what motivates them just for the team, but we have to make sure that what motivates them doesn't negatively affect the team either.

Once we discover the goals and motivations of our athletes, we have to get them to understand how what is best for the team is also what is best for them individually.  And once we learn what their goals are, we have to make sure that their habits match their dreams.  If their habits don't match their dreams, we have to be willing to do two things: make them aware of their behavior and ask them why they are acting this way.  We have to give them ownership of their goals and their behavior and let them know that their success isn't random - it is based on their habits and actions.

Doing the best you can to identify your athletes' 'why' and learning about what motivates them and helping them achieve their individual goals show that you care about the person and not just how they can help you. Sure, you can't keep everybody happy, and crazy parents are just crazy parents and you have to be able to find peace when you still have unhappy stakeholders -  that part of the job is inevitable.  But that peace can grow from a foundation on which you genuinely try to do what is best for each person on your team and what is best for the team as a whole and knowing that you did all that you could for the people that you are leading and serving.

For the kid wanting to make the team or start:

The best thing for the team is to have the best players available to make the team and to have the best group out their to start the game.  For you to be one of those, you have to grow as a player by doing this, this and this, and I will show you how.

For the kid wanting to start, but just won't earn that spot:

We have to do what is best for the team, and we really need you to fill a different role for us.  That role is as important as any other role.  Be specific in how you see them best helping the team everyday in practice and in games, and show them how mastering their role could benefit them and how it can enhance their experience.  Show them how to embrace their role and how they can have fun in it.  Encourage them everyday in practice to everything they can to beat the starting group or to beat the person in front of you, and instead of riding the starter for letting their back-up outplay them, be excited for the back-up and celebrate their successes.

For the parent who gives their kid $20 bucks a game when they score 20 points:

'I get that you want to inspire your kid to come out and get 20 points.  That is a great goal to have.  But we have to make sure that the 20 comes in a way that is best for the team.  Them scoring 20 while shooting good shots and a high percentage is GREAT for the team and for them as an individual - everybody wins!  But then scoring 20 while taking too many bad or forced shots hurts the team, it hurts their ability to be seen by college coaches as a serious candidate for a scholarship, and it hurts their relationships with their teammates.  College coaches do see, honor and respect stats, but they honor how you get those stats too.  I have seen big time scorers get passed on by college recruiters because they don't help the team win - they only stuff their stats.  College coaches want to recruit the best players that will help them win, and scoring is not the only part of it.  Instead of celebrating a point total, let's find a way to celebrate effort or even celebrating making the right play or taking the right shot.

To the athlete playing for a scholarship:

The best way to get a scholarship is to have enough talent and knowing what level your talent translates to the best.  Know your level and work hard to grow your level.  Your habits have to match your goals.  From there, it's about making the right plays that help your team win.  Having a bad attitude, taking bad shots, not listening to your coach, being a bad teammate, arguing with the refs, making excuses, not showing up prepared with energy and enthusiasm everyday - those are the things that hold you back.  Having a great attitude, making winning plays, listening to your coach and being an extension of them on the court/field, being a great teammate, respecting your opponents and referees, being accountable for your play and actions, showing up early every day with energy and enthusiasm - those things will help you play at the next level.  Do those things and the results that you want will follow.