Invite Them To Your Calm, Not Join In Their Storm

When an athlete is blowing up because they didn't get the ball, or didn't get the call or didn't make the play,

INVITE THEM TO YOUR CALM.  DON'T LET THEM INVITE YOU TO THEIR STORM.

Stay calm, stay cool, and calm them down so that you can diagnose the problem and find a solution.

The same can be said for a mad parent.  I had a parent try to rip into me after a basketball game because of his daughter's playing time.  She was a starter, but she didn't play in the final minutes of a close game because her backup was on a roll.  We played above our heads, but we lost.  

Immediately after the game, the athlete came to me crying and upset and seeking answers as to why she wasn't allowed to finish the game.  Her dad felt like he needed to come to the rescue of his distraught daughter and continued the storm in my direction.

A younger version of me would have been easily invited into both of their storms, and it would not have been good for anybody.  The older version of me stayed calm, listened to their concerns, validated their concerns, and calmly reminded them about the team rule that we don't discuss playing time with parents and we don't discuss the game until we have slept and our adrenaline has gone down.

The next day, I calmly explained my reasoning as to why she didn't finish the game on the court and I backed it up with data and stats and film.  Dad still wasn't happy, but we were able to move on from a situation that could have gotten much worse.

In sports, storms come and go.  Between coaches, players, parents, and referees, there are so many storms brewing, exploding, and calming all of the time.  Sometimes its important to engage in a storm or heated discussion to motivate and/or inspire your athletes, but most of the time, engaging in a storm results in behaviors that damage relationships.

I heard a behavior specialist who works with kids with behavior issues in class say that the best teachers are teachers who can face a storm being performed by a kid with a calm, straight face, receive all of the anger being spit at them, and calm the student and reset the student without any issues.  

She called it Unconditional Positive Regard.  She states 99% of the time, when a student blows up, they get a consequence and they eventually come back to the classroom at the end of the punishment.  How the teacher handles the storm will have a major impact on how that student behaves when they return.  If you get invited into the storm and say some things that might damage your relationship, that damage will resurface itself at some point.  But, if you can invite that student into your calm, this will have a positive impact when they return because they know that they can trust you.

The same goes for our athletes and parents.  Sometimes they quit or they get removed from the team or the parent just stops coming to the game, but most of the time they just keep showing up.  How you handle the storm and move forward has a lasting impact on that player and the team.

When the storm comes from a player, a parent, or a referee, invite them into your calm and don't take their invitation into their storm.  From there, begin to repair the relationship so that everybody can continue in a positive way.  Try to turn the next storm into a hopeful, relationship building moment.

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Don't overreact.  When there is a fight, don't run to the fight.  When there is a storm, don't run to the storm. When you run to the storm, you are telling everyone you are in panic mode and you aren't in control.  Move slow and deliberately and think about the challenge before saying something or doing something.  Don't make rash or knee jerk decisions.  Listen, react slowly, and weigh out all of the options before you act.  

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It's always important to reflect on the job that you are doing.  Sometimes it requires you to step all the way away to reflect.  Diagnose what you are doing right and wrong and find a positive perspective.