De-Escalation - Managing Conflict

At the end of a conference basketball game, Michigan head coach Juwan Howard and Wisconsin head coach Greg Gard walked towards each other, seemingly to give a post-game handshake.

When Coach Howard walked close to Coach Gard in the handshake line, Coach Howard said something and continued to walk by. Coach Gard then grabbed Coach Howard, and he stood in his way, not allowing him to keep walking. They grabbed each other, exchanged words, and Coach Howard put his finger in Coach Gard’s face. The other coaches, players, and police tried to get in between the two coaches, but the situation continued to escalate until Coach Howard slapped one of Wisconsin’s assistant coaches.

Sports are intense, and at that level, millions of dollars are on the line. It is easy to understand how two competitors can get so intense. We teach our athletes to play through the final buzzer, so we have to coach them through the final buzzer. Sometimes that coaching leads to disagreements and frustration, but as leaders, we have to do everything that we can to de-escalate the situation so that it doesn’t become physical.

WHAT IS DE-ESCALATION?

De-escalation is a strategy or technique that can be used when confronted with violent or aggressive emotions or behaviors. Escalation means to increase or intensify, and de-escalation means to decrease the scope or intensity of a situation. The goal of de-escalation strategies is to prevent an escalation of conflict.

Coach Howard was obviously upset when Coach Gard stopped him, and they both escalated or increased their intensity to the point where Coach Howard’s actions became physical.

While they usually don’t turn physical, the escalation of actions, emotions, and reactions are common in sports and life. In school, teachers often have to practice conflict resolution with their students. When students are involved in a conflict that escalates, it is important to de-escalate them so that they can start to listen and respond appropriately, and before you can start the process of restoring the relationship.

The same process is needed when a parent is upset with something. When they call or visit the school and they are escalated, it is important to de-escalate them effectively so that you can begin to work together in providing the best learning environment for their kids.

De-escalation training is especially important for coaches because conflict is such a prevalent part of the job. Anytime you have two people competing, there is a possibility of conflict. There is also a possibility for conflict any time you are pushing someone out of their comfort zone. Conflict is either going to escalate or de-escalate. The ability to de-escalate yourself and others can impact winning, relationships, and job security.

WHY DE-ESCALATION

There is some neural science behind the need to de-escalate. In every brain, there are two almond-shaped clusters of cells called an amygdala. Our amygdala helps our brains define and regulate our emotions. In The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle writes that our amygdala is both our brain's guard dog and its watchdog. When we sense a threat, like being yelled at by a classmate, teammate, or coach, or being grabbed in the handshake line, or get a message that something has happened to our kid at school, the amygdala pulls the alarm code in our brains, setting off a fight-flight-or freeze response that sends chemicals flooding through our body. When these signals go off, the only question we can answer is, ‘Am I safe.’ This is why some people shut down when they get coached too hard or are under pressure, why some fight back harder, and why some people run from pressure (or pass up the game-winning shot).

Your brain can’t process information when it is in fight-flight-or-freeze mode. Time and safety are the only ways to bring us back down to normal. Fighting fire with fire leads to more fire. Two storms coming together creates a bigger storm.

When we feel safe, valued, and like we belong, our amygdala shifts to our watchdog. It wants to build and sustain meaningful social connections, so it seeks that in others. It seeks positive relationships, which is why building team chemistry and culture are so important; your brain and body crave it.

But conflict is a part of life and a part of every relationship. You don’t have to fear conflict. You do need to have the skills necessary to de-escalate conflict.

HOW TO DE-ESCALATE
4 Key Strategies that can help you calm your amygdala and deescalate yourself are:

1 - Validate, Validate, Validate
2 - Identify What Sets You Off
3 - Label Your Feelings
4 - Create an Early Warning System

Validate, Validate, Validate Validating someone is NOT telling them that they are right or wrong, it is simply recognizing how they feel. Taking a second to let them know that you hear them and see where they are coming from is an effective first step to de-escalating them. They might be right or wrong with their actions, but no one is right or wrong based on how they feel. So often, people just want to be seen and heard, and validation does this and helps them regain control.

Saying, “I hear you,” can go a long way.

Identify What Sets You Off Sometimes you walk into a situation knowing that there is a good chance you are going to get escalated. I know that a player backing down from a loose ball triggers me. I also know that inconsistency from the referees, especially in crunch-time moments, really sets me off. I am a pretty calm coach, but I do have my triggers, and being aware of them and being able to anticipate them helps me stay calm because I can prepare myself and calm myself at the first signs of being triggered. Knowing what triggers me keeps me from taking the bait.

Affect labeling, or defining what is bothering you, helps reduce its intensity and brings you back down to normal. Just saying to yourself what is happening, like, "It makes me feel angry when my team doesn’t box out," or, "I get so frustrated when they don't get back on defense, or, "My wife is trying to trigger me right now because she won’t stop bothering me about finishing my laundry," helps you reframe your thoughts and reduce the impact, and it takes you from being the lead actor in a horror film that ends with you going off the deep end with your team (or wife) and puts you in the role of director where you can regain control of the situation and extinguish the fire instead of adding to the flames.

Create an Early Warning System Once you start recognizing your triggers, you will begin to notice your physical reactions to them. If you notice your body getting hot, your jaw tightening, or for me - the feeling of blood rushing to my head and my fists balled up, that is a cue to take a step back, power down, and regroup. Taking just 10 seconds before you react can save you from a lot of trouble, and after 90 seconds, you can get to a complete emotional reset because that is how much time it takes stress hormones to leave your body after they have been activated.

The S.O.D.A. Strategy is a simple and effective strategy to use when you are triggered and escalating:

Stop - Stop and pause instead of reacting and taking the bait. The first 10 seconds is the key. That is the amount of time it takes stress hormones to move through the body to your brain (prefrontal cortex).

Observe - Use the 10-second rule so that you can power down, respond (not react), and extinguish the fire.

Detach - Detach from trying to be right and focus more on trying to get it right. This requires listening to the other person, seeing what they see, and working with - not against - them. Remember that your body can emotionally reset in just 90 seconds.

Awaken - Shift your focus from yourself to the other person. When our amygdala (the brain's guard dog) reacts, it is because we are trying to protect ourselves. But from what? When you start thinking about the wants and needs of others, you realize that they might not know or understand what is going on, that they might be scared or reacting out of fear, or they might need more clarification. Or they might just be upset, defiant, and belligerent, and that warrants a different response, a different set of tools (and possibly a different blog post).

Remember that emotions and body language are contagious. Use a calm voice, slow down, and start calm so that will help everybody power down and reset emotionally. I heard a speaker tell a group of teachers that a phrase that he used at a middle school campus when kids started escalating was, "Don't go 13." We have to be leaders and professionals. We can’t do that when we act like the kids.

This week, start thinking about the things that trigger you, how you can see them coming, and how you can de-escalate so that you can respond to conflict appropriately and effectively and without biting someone's head off.

Reflection Questions

1 - What is one thing that triggers you?
2 - How does your body start to feel and react when it gets triggered?
3 - What do you do, or can you do, to get back to normal?
4 - Do you have a person that you can go to for help de-escalating?

A lot of the knowledge that was shared here, including the S.O.D.A method can be found in the wonderful book, Culturally Responsive Teaching & The Brain by Zaretta Hammond.

The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle was also referenced in this article.