The Hidden Rules of Generational and Situational Poverty

As written by Ruby K. Payne in A Framework for Understanding Poverty, there are hidden rules to the wealthy class, middle class, and poverty class, that we all live by, but very few of us are aware of them.  As educators, it is important for us to be aware of these hidden rules because we have to be able effectively reach and teach ALL students, and we can't do that if we don't know the rules and can't effectively teach them and teach to them.  Schools and businesses are led and run by middle class rules, so schools are virtually the only place where students can learn the choices and rules of the middle class.

Generational poverty is defined by having lived in poverty for at least two generations, while situation poverty is defined by a lack of resources because of a particular event (or situation).

Managing money is one of the biggest difficulties in getting out of poverty.  Lower, middle and upper class communities look at money differently.  Those living in poverty see money as a source of entertainment and an expression of personality, while those in the middle and upper class more regularly view it as a source of security.  The differing views of money impact the spending habits of all communities differently.

There are also differences of the family patterns for each class, and there are even hidden rules for how introductions are made.  In generational poverty, the mother is the centerpiece and true matriarch of the family.  The men in generational poverty tend to have a pattern of coming and going, and usually between the houses of ex-girlfriends/ex-wives and their mothers, while the women tend to go between the houses of their sisters and their mothers.  Favoritism and who is in favor with whom at the time plays a big part in who is currently staying with whom.

In terms of introductions, you must be introduced by already in the circle of someone in the wealthy class, members of the middle class find it rude if you do not introduce yourself, and those in poverty have already talked about you before they meet you.

As stated earlier, this information is important because so many of us do not realize that we are living under such basic but different sets of rules or that they even exist.  The key to getting out of poverty is through education, and to effectively teach all students, we must be armed with this knowledge.  Poverty is rarely about a lack of intelligence or ability; many stay in poverty because they simply do not know that there is a choice or do not have anyone to teach them that there are hidden rules to each culture and they do not have anyone to teach them the hidden rules.

When Your Coach Is Talking

Like any parent, I would love it if my kid could be one of the better players on one of the better teams and, if they want, could go on to have sports pay for their college.  

But more importantly, I want my kids play as long as they are having fun and I want to make sure that they are in a great environment that is conducive to them enjoying the game, getting better, learning social skills and learning resilience.  I also want them to grow up to be well rounded adults when this is all over.

As a sports parent, I have very clear expectations for my kids when it comes to how the practice, how they treat their teammates, and how they treat their coaches, and how they treat their opponents.  And, we TEACH these expectations and model these expectations for our kids, and when they aren't correctly living up to these expectations, we give clear and honest feedback.

Two things that drive good coaches crazy are athletes that don't pay attention to instruction and athletes who don't try to properly execute what was being taught.  They both go hand in hand.  Teach your athletes how to pay attention and be focused on their coach's instructions so that their coach can teach them how to perform better, and not behave better.

When your coach is talking, you:

- Look them in the eyes the whole time
- You give him/her ALL of you intention
- You don't pay attention to anybody else when he/she is talking
- If your friends are distracting you, move away from them; your learning is your responsibility
- Listen with the intent on learning so that you know what he/she expects and so that you can execute what they are asking you to do
- When they are talking, they are giving you instruction and directions - follow them the first time
- If you don't understand, raise your hand and ask for clarification
The only way coaches know if you don't know or understand is when you ask or when you mess up - so don't get upset if you mess up and they correct you - especially if you don't ask for help
- Say yessir/ma’am, no sir/ma’am
- Say thank you
- Every day, every practice, every time

That is my expectation of you as your parent and you my child.

Planting Seeds of Success

Sports are full of ups and downs.  Successes and failures.  Every second in a practice or a game is an opportunity to do something good or to make a mistake, and as coaches, it is important to know how to effectively respond to each mistake that our athletes make so that they can respond appropriately, quickly and with confidence in their play.  

Our reactions to our player's mistakes are critical, not only for the confidence of the individual player, but also for the outcome of the game.

So, encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

How we respond to each mistake a player makes can either build them up or tear them down.  If we tear our athletes down enough, we might not ever see them regain their confidence in this sport again, and this is often why many players quit playing sports altogether.  The last thing I ever want to do as a coach is the be an athlete's last coach because I took away their love, passion or confidence to play.

Our goal in every interaction with our athletes should be to plant seeds of growth, confidence and success and show that we believe in and care about our athletes.  Our choice of words, the timing of when we use our words, and how we use our words all play a factor in our athletes confidence.  So often we hear coaches say, 'Hear the message and not the way I say it.'  As coaches, can we be more aware of how we are communicating our messages so that we don't have to give this caveat before and after yelling at our kids?

If we are clear in our communication and expectations, constructive in our comments and deliver honest feedback with care and empathy, we can teach AND build up our athletes and not tear them down.

Master The Small Things

Cal Ripken, Jr., who broke Lou Gehrig’s consecutive-game record, credits his father, Cal Ripken Sr. for the mentoring, coaching, and example to break the record.  Junior remembers that his father had many mottoes and pronouncements.  One of his favorite sayings was: “Do two million things right, and the big things take care of themselves.”  His point was to take pride in the fundamentals.

When you prove that you can be trusted with the small things, you will be trusted in the large things as well.

The Path to College

If you have a pre-teen, or a young teen, that has shown above average athletic ability in their sport or multiple sports and above level interest in sports, then it's important to live in the now AND to have a plan and eye on the future.

It is reasonable to hope that your youth athlete can earn a college scholarship in a sport that they love and show a talent in, but you have to make sure that the journey to pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is a positive experience or they won't make it to the end.  

Studies show that 75% of youth athletes quit playing sports by the time that they are 13, and if you have an above average athlete with an above average interest level, the three main things (outside of height and natural talent/athleticism) that could derail the opportunity to play collegiately are:

1 - Lack of growth and development

2 - Burnout

3 - Bad experiences

I think our biggest jobs as parents are to silently, behind the scenes, make sure that these three things are always being watched.

Make sure that your athlete is having fun and getting better.  If they are doing those two things, they are moving in the right direction.

Poverty and Resources in Schools

Schools and businesses are run by a set of middle class norms, expectations, and hidden rules.  For all kids to have success in the classroom, it is important that they know and can follow these rules, and these hidden rules don’t naturally exist in the homes and lives of many of our students.  We have to be prepared and equipped to teach those hidden rules to our students so that they can be successful in school and in business as they get older.

The notes below are from the book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty, by Ruby K. Payne.

Poverty of Resources

Poverty can be defined by a lack of resources.  These resources are more than just financial and many are more important than financial resources.  When there is a lack in any of the resources below, it will be difficult for students (and adults) to become and be their best self: 

What kind of resources? 

1 - Financial (money) 

2 - Emotional (grit) 

3 - Mental (intelligence) 

4 - Spiritual (purpose) 

5 - Physical (health) 

6 - Support Systems (family and friends) 

7 - Relationships (Role Models) 

8 - Knowledge of Hidden Rules (expectations) 

Financial - Having enough money to purchase goods and services. 

Emotional - Being able to choose and control emotional responses through stamina perseverance and choices. 

Mental - Having the mental ability and skills. 

Spiritual - Belief that help can come from a higher power.  Belief in something bigger than yourself. 

Physical - A capable and mobile body. 

Support Systems - Having back up when you need it. 

Relationships/Role Models - All individuals have role models, but how nurturing and appropriate are they? 

Knowledge of Hidden Rules - Hidden rules exist for each class, each gender, each culture and all other units of people and they cue whether or not a person does or doesn't fit into a particular group.  There are hidden rules about food, dress, decorum, etc that must be taught and learned. 

Often we try to prescribe the same speeches, medicine and consequences to all students to fit our personal norms and expectations.  We have to understand that schools and business are ran by middle-class norms and expectations, and we can't assume that all of our students (and teachers) come from and live those expectations every day.  We have to teach, reteach and model those expectations from the very first day and through the very last day. 

When we are working with students (or adults) who are struggling and needing help, we should first make sure that we have effectively taught and modelled expected behaviors and then analyze their resources, or lack thereof. 

If we have NOT clearly and effectively taught, communicated and modelled expected behavior, that is where we need to start.   

From there, we must make sure that we are addressing their individual needs (without sacrificing the learning environment for all). 

Each individual is different, especially when you consider their different demographics.  The more you know about a person’s available resources, the better guidance that you can provide for them.

The 4 Reasons For Growth

As written in A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne, Ph.D., to move from poverty to middle class or from middle class to wealthy, an individual must give up relationships for achievement (at least for some period of time).

Four reasons that a person leaves poverty are:

1 - It is too painful to stay

2 - A vision or a goal

3 - A key relationship

4 - A special talent or skill

To move up a level - from the bench to a starter, or from a starter to all-conference, an athlete must be willing to give up relationships for achievement (at least for some period of time).

To help athletes move up a level, we must help them create a vision for themselves and where they can go, we must teach them the knowledge and skills needed to get to there, and we must inspire them, through creating key relationships to work for those goals consistently and with the rigor that growth requires knowing that it will be difficult, and sometimes painful, for them to fully realize their dreams.

To help athletes become the best that they can, we must be able to create a vision, we must have the necessary teaching skills to grow them, and we must know how to build meaningful relationships that will allow us to inspire growth through work.  If we are lacking in these areas, we must be willing to grow as coaches and teachers so they we can be all we need for those that we lead.

The 10/5 Way

The 10/5 Way simply means that if you are within 10 feet of somebdoy, you make eye contact and smile.  If you are within 5 feet of somebody, make eye contact, smile and speak.  

I first learned about the 10/5 Way in a podcast featuring Shawn Anchor, author and Harvard Professor of Positive Psycology.

Happiness is both contagious and advantageous.  We have 'mirror neurons' that mimic the behaviors, moods and emotions of others.  When we see someone smile - we smile.  When we see somebody yawn - we yawn.  If we see somebdoy living with optimism, or confidence, or joy - we live with optimism, confidence and joy.

The Ritz Carlton Hotel turned this science into the original 10/5 Way, and now businesses in many different industries have started implementing this idea in their own ways:

At Wal-Mart, founder Sam Walton coined the ‘Ten-Foot Attitude” and said, “…I want you to promise that whenever you come within 10 feet of a customer, you will look him in the eye, greet him and ask him if you can help him.”

At Walt Disney World, the rule is taken a few steps further by outlining what should happen any time a Disney “cast member” is near a guest with Disney’s Seven Service Guidelines:

• Make eye contact and smile

• Greet and welcome each and every guest

• Seek out guest contact

• Provide immediate service recovery

• Display appropriate body language at all times

• Preserve the “magical” guest experience

• Thank each and every guest

The point was to instill a more positive reality among the hospital staff and then franchise that positive mindset and perspective to the patients. 

How can we implement this in our lives, with our teams, and in our schools?

The 3 Things All Athletes Need to Learn

Grit

Growth Mindset

You Get What You Earn

These are the 3 of most important things that you can teach your athlete.  Outside of size, athleticism, and natural talents and tendencies, character is arguably the most important factor in how good somebody will become in sports.  

If they have grit, they will persevere through the good and bad.  If they have a growth mindset, they will understand that there are things that they are good and bad at, and the process is all about getting better, every day.  If they understand that you get what you earn, they will learn that making excuses - about coaches, referees, and their teammates, etc - will do them know good in the long run and that they have to figure out a way over, through and around all of the challenges in their way.

But it's our job to TEACH them these things, and to do so continuously, constantly, and consistently so that the it stays with them and becomes a part of who they are now and forever.  They have to get these lessons from somewhere, so make sure that it is coming from YOU starting TODAY.

And it is as simple as 3 questions and 3 follow up answers:

1 - Do you know what grit means?

2 - Do you know what growth mindset is?

3 - Do you know what it means to make no excuses (or to have accountability)

1 - Grit means having the strength (mental and physical) to keep going through the good and bad (and there will be good and bad).

2 - Growth Mindset is knowing that we all have strengths and weaknesses but we can get better (grow) at anything if we have the right mindset and practice and work on it.

3 - Don't make excuses.  Work hard and earn everything that comes your way.  If you arent starting, work harder.  If you get beat, work harder.  You can have all the fun you want, but understand that there are people out there that are working everyday, and when you play them, they will win.  But you can always be that person through your hard work.

We teach these lessons to our own kids and to the kids that we teach and coach.  It's our job to teach them these things, and it's our job to watch and make sure that they are in an environment in which they can have fun, they are safe and that they can grow in.