Every coach searches for ways to build that special chemistry that all great teams have. In The Culture Playbook, Daniel Coyle calls the warm sense of cohesion, the shared willingness to speak up, and the team thinking and feeling as one entity, psychological safety - being able to be yourself without fear of negative consequences of self-image, status, or career.
Team chemistry, or psychological safety, is built through the exchange of belonging cues - small, meaningful, and impactful, behaviors that say: "You belong here, you are valued here, you are safe here, we share a future together, we care about you, you have a voice, and you matter."
Our brains are wired to search for both danger and safety. When we join a group, we scan for potential dangers. This keeps us from locking in and performing at our best. If we have to waste our time and energy trying to belong, we won't have enough left to do our job at a high level.
Amy Edmondson of Harvard says, "When people believe they can speak up at work, the learning, innovation, and performance of their organizations is greater."
The best coaches and leaders flood their teams with belonging cues, creating an environment where people aren't afraid to mess up, and where everybody is encouraged to play free and be the best they can be.
They do that by having a zero-tolerance policy for jerks, sharing vulnerability, and by establishing a shared purpose for the group. This starts on day-1 and continues as long as the group is together.
A simple way to do this is by embracing smart Icebreakers. As Coyle writes, Icebreakers can be supremely corny and cringe-worthy, but understand and embrace that the cringe is the point. The cringe is what creates the mutual vulnerability that brings people together.
Our school district uses a process called Circles to bring people together. At least once a month, we shut down learning in the class and ask Icebreaker type questions. This is an opportunity for the teacher to get to know more about their students, their students to get to know more about their teacher, and for everyone to get to know more about each other.
As a coach, I try to Circle with my team at least once a week, or once every other week. We might ask something simple like, "What is one show you are watching?" or, "What is your favorite color." We might say, "Give me a thumbs-up, down, or to the side to describe how we are playing." Anytime someone new comes, we Circle Up and have everyone tell their name and what school they go to.
This process can be corny and cringe-worthy at first, but over time, we have seen learning, achievement, and behavior improve through our Circle process, and I have seen my teams growing closer together.
My number 1 goal for creating team chemistry, psychological safety, and a great culture through Circles is to create an environment where everybody feels safe and comfortable enough to be honest and real. When we get everyone in our Circle to share their truth without passing and without holding back, we know that we are on the right path. For some teams, this happens quicker than others, but if you Circle with fidelity, if you make sure that every interaction is positive, and if you immediately address negative interactions appropriately, you can get there.
Creating and sustaining a great culture and psychological safety is like starting and maintaining a fire. It takes some work, in the beginning, to get it going, and it requires constant work and maintenance to keep it going. If you don't tend to it and take care of it, the fire goes out. But like a fire, if the relationship does die down, you can always put the work in to fix and repair it and bring it back to life.
As Daniel Coyle wrote in his book, The Culture Playbook, mentoring is incredibly powerful. A mentor is someone who helps you grow, make better decisions, and see the game and the world through a different lens. A mentor can encourage you and help you grow professionally and personally.
Having a good mentor can change your career and change your life. They can show you what to do and show you what not to do.
Former U.S. Women's National Soccer Team coach Jill Ellis would give each new, young member of the team a task: "Go sit next to an older player and listen to their scars." She said, "Every successful player is successful because they've failed over and over again. Having younger players learn about that early on is so impactful."
Coyle calls this Flash Mentoring. Flash Mentoring is when a younger athlete or coach approaches a veteran with low-stakes questions like:
- What are 1-3 things that you have done to get faster? - What do you do before practice? - How do you prepare for games? - How do you handle fear and anxiety? - How do you get over tough losses? - What is something you wish you knew when you were younger?
The key for a young mentee is to see how your mentor thinks - how they see and handle opportunities and solve problems.
This week, find a mentor. Find someone who is doing or who has done what you are trying to do. And ask them a few questions about how they got to where they are at.
According to a National Alliance for Youth Sports study, about 70% of kids stop playing sports by age 13.
Just over 7% of athletes play sports in college, and only 1.8% of men and women play Division 1 sports.
That means only 1 out of 13 high school athletes will play in college, and only 1 out of every 57 will play at the Division 1 level.
Narrow is the gate that leads to success, and even more narrow is the gate to continued success.
My keys to success are work hard and have fun. Hopefully, your athletic journey is long and enjoyable. The harder you work and the more fun you have, the longer and more successful your career will be.
We are the results of our decisions. Good decisions lead to good results, and bad decisions lead to bad results. Wisdom is doing today what your future self will thank you for, so create the life and career you want with each decision you make.
While life is a series of choices and decisions, no decision is more important than the one Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:13-14.
Towards the end of Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells his disciples:
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
We constantly find ourselves at spiritual crossroads, and the path towards the love, joy, and peace that God guides and teaches us to choose is the narrow path that isn’t easy to take.
Choose to live, work, and play in love. Love who you are, love what you do, and love who you do it with. It is written that even if we have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and even if we have the faith to move mountains, if we don’t have love, we don't have anything (1 Corinthians 13:2). Just before Jesus was arrested and put on the cross, he told his disciples:
Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another (John 13:34-35).
Choose to find joy in everyday life. Don’t just enjoy the big moments, enjoy it all. Kobe once said, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” Jesus told his disciples, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may overflow (John 15:11).” Jesus wants us to experience a joy that overflows and pours out of us. If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.
Finally, seek and pursue peace. Peace is remaining calm, feeling calm, and being calm and steady at all times, especially in the middle of a storm. Your athletic and spiritual journey will be filled with storms. Seek and find peace. In John 16:33, Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
THIS WEEK
1 - Love what you do! What is the one thing you love most about the sport you play or coach? How can you do more of that?
2 - Enjoy what you do! What is the one thing you enjoy the most about playing or coaching?
3 - Seek and pursue peace? What is one thing that gives you fear or anxiety about playing and coaching?
4 - What is a Bible verse or Biblical story that you can lean on when you need peace?
Legendary basketball coach John Wooden once said, "Success is peace of mind, a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."
This week, love what you do, enjoy what you do, do your best.
For a Google doc version of this, click here: Narrow Gate
Being a leader
is hard. You have to hold yourself accountable, and you have to hold the people
around you accountable. To effectively hold others accountable, you have to be
willing to do everything you are asking, or demanding, them to do.
The leader has
to establish what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. Then, they
have to make sure that we are all living up to the expectations that they set
while also making sure that others do the same.
Leadership is
lonely. I’m not going to be afraid of confrontation to get us where we need to
go. There's a big misconception where people think that winning and success comes
from everybody putting their arms around each other and singing kumbaya and
patting them on the back when they mess up, and that’s just not reality. If you
are going to be a leader, you’re not going to please everybody. You have to
hold people accountable, even if you have that moment of being uncomfortable.
Leadership is
lonely because very few people naturally want to do want it takes to be a
winner. But part of the role of being a leader is making people do things that
they don’t want to do so that they can earn the things that they want to earn.
Michael Jordan
had a legendary monologue in the documentary, The Last Dance, that outlines his leadership style. Toward the end of
the documentary, he said:
You ask all my
teammates, the one thing about Michael Jordan was, ‘He never asked me to do
something he didn’t do.’ When people see this, they are going to say, ‘Well he
wasn’t really a nice guy. He may have been a tyrant.’ I wanted to win, and I
wanted them to win and be a part of that as well. It is who I am. That’s how I
played the game. That was my mentality. If you don’t want to play that way, don’t
play that way.
I tell my
athletes, that you have to push each other and hold each other accountable, but you can’t
be a leader if you don’t have followers or if you aren’t leading anyone anywhere.
You can’t yell
just to yell, and you can’t talk just to talk. You have to have substance to
what you are saying, what you are saying has to help people do and be better,
and you have to be willing to do what you are asking, or expecting, others to
do.
THINK ABOUT IT
1 – Who is the
best leader you have ever been around?
I am big on teaching my
athletes how to advocate for themselves. At every parent meeting, I tell our
families that it is important for athletes to learn how to use their
voice and ask questions like, "How can I earn more playing time?"
and, "What do I need to do to get better?"
Asking questions is good
for you and good for your career.
The
research shows that asking more questions builds emotional intelligence,
leading to better soft skills - key in leadership at work and interpersonal
relationship building (Forbes).
And asking questions is
also Biblical.
In Matthew chapter 7, while
giving his famous Sermon on the Mount speech to his disciples, Jesus said:
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will
find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who
asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the
door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a
stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If
you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask
him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to
you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
It is important that we ask for the things that we want. I once
heard a rich and famous television host say, “Ask for everything. Start asking
God for big stuff and stop wasting God’s time with little stuff. Don’t block
your own blessings by not asking and getting in the way of the answers. This is
the same God that made heaven and earth in 6 days. God does big stuff. Ask God
for something big.”
Asking the right questions start a unique mental and emotional
process. Define what you want and describe what you want. Goals become like a
magnet – they pull you in certain directions, and the better you describe them,
the more they pull.
Learn how to start asking the right questions. Learn how to ask
your coach what you can do better and how you can earn more playing time.
Figure out what you really want in sports and in life. Define it.
Write it down. Describe it. Then pray about it. Pray every day. Then work for
it. Nothing great comes without work. Work hard for what you want, every day. Work
hard knowing that God is working with you too.
THIS WEEK
1 – Write down 1 goal that
you have for yourself. The more detail that you add to it, the better. Then
pray about it.
2 – Write down 3 things or
habits that you need to have to work towards that goal. Then pray about it.
3 – Think about or write
down something that will keep you from reaching that goal. Then pray about it.
4 – Think about or write
down what you will do to overcome that barrier and not let it keep you from
reaching that goal. Then pray about it.
Our Father. Thank you for
all of the blessings that you have given me. I have big goals, big hopes, and
big dreams, but I know that you will help me reach them all if I have faith in
you, if I work hard, and if I pray about them. I pray that you help me reach
all of my goals. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.
What do
I do when my athletes don't want to play for me?
This
is a common question that might be becoming even more common in today's society of transfer portals. We want our
athletes to enjoy playing for us, but that is hard to do when part of your role
is making them feel comfortable being uncomfortable.
Former pro and college football coach, Leeman Bennett, once said, “A coach is someone who makes you do what you don't want to do, so you can be who you've always wanted to be.”
Pushing your athletes, holding them accountable, and keeping them happy, hopeful, and engaged can be a tricky balance to find. But how do we do it effectively?
I recently attended a Human Resource training for educators that presented tools on how to retain teachers. They gave us 4 effective tips that coaches can also use to retain athletes:
1 - Understand What They Want
We want to win, and we want our athletes to become the best they can be. We hope that these are their main goals as well, but our athletes have many different reasons for why they play. Some want to win, but some just want to be a part of something. Some play because their friends play. Some play because their parents make them play. People become unhappy when there is a gap between their expectations and their experience, and we create those gaps when we make decisions for people without knowing what they really want.
Ask your athletes, "Why do you play?" and, "What do you hope to gain from this experience?"
This doesn't have to change your why or purpose, but it could help you better connect with and motivate your athletes.
2 - Understand What You Have to Offer
Know what your strengths are, and know what the strengths of your team and program are. Know what you are good at, and know what you can provide that no other coach can provide. If you have the tools to help an athlete get to the next level, capitalize on that. If you have strong relational tools, use them. The happiest and most engaged people do what they do best every day. They focus on their strengths. Know what your strengths are and use them!
3 - Define the Value They Get From Playing For You
Why should an athlete choose to play for you? Why should an athlete choose to play on your team? Why should people choose to play sports? Know and communicate why they should be on your team and why you should be their coach. Communicate what they are going to get from you, and why they should stay on your team. When you know what they want and what you have to offer, you can better communicate why they should choose you, choose your team, and stay on your team.
4 - Deliver on the Experience
Treat your athletes like they are customers because they can choose to play for you or choose to not play for you. This doesn't mean you have to cater to their every need - you have a job to do, and you have to motivate them, inspire them, and hold them accountable. Being great requires getting out of your comfort zone, and that is not easy for any athlete. Being great requires us to push them, and they won't always like that - and that is okay. But understand that their time with you is a part of their life experience, so deliver a good, meaningful, enjoyable experience.
A Backbone of Humility
Doing some of these things might take some vulnerability. It will require you to open up to young people in a way that you might not have done before. It will require you to admit that you don't have every answer to every question or problem. It will require reflecting on who you are and what you do. It might require some serious changes in how you lead, communicate, and interact with your athletes and their families. That is why being an effective leader requires having a backbone of humility.
Work hard and hold people accountable, but be humble and patient with people. When we think of strong leaders, we often think about people who know things that we don't know, who see things that we don't see, and who always know what to say and do.
But effective leaders and coaches in today's society know that the real power is not in any one individual, but is in how a leader can support their team. The best leaders don't have to walk around like they have it all figured out. The best leaders are curious. They are searching for opportunities to learn, grow, and improve.
The world we live in is a learning contest. How much can we learn and apply? Blow people away with your curiosity and your desire to learn. Be someone who connects with others, and coach and lead by aligning your personal interests with the interests of your athletes and the overall goals for the team. Then work together, not for or against each other, in the same direction, holding each other accountable when needed and celebrating each other's successes whenever possible.
High major football coach PJ Fleck once said, “On bad teams, nobody leads. On good teams, the coaches lead. On elite teams, players have to lead.”
Players have to be able to hold each other accountable to the standard that they set.
But one thing we talk to our athletes about is the importance of holding yourself accountable first.
The best leaders that I know lead by words AND example. Your habits and behaviors are more important than your words and plans. Your words and plans tell us what you want to do, and your habits and behaviors tell us what you are going to do.
You are what you do - not what you want to do, and not what you say you do.
But we all know those teammates who try to lead but who don't follow their own leadership. They try to tell others what to do, but they don't do it themselves.
Don't be an athlete who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Don't be the athlete who demands more from their teammates than they demand from themselves.
Talk the talk and walk the walk. Demand more from yourself than you demand from others. Expect from yourself what you expect from others.
A Biblical version of this is in Matthew 7. While giving his famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told His disciples:
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
One of the best teammates I ever had was very talented, tough, smart, and skilled. But most importantly, he held himself just as accountable as he held others. He knew what the right play was, and he did everything he could to make the right play. When he did something good, he told his teammates, "Good job." When somebody messed up, he helped them through it in a way that they still felt good about themselves.
He never asked his teammates to do something that he wasn't willing to do himself. He never got mad at his teammates for not being able to do something that he couldn't - or wouldn't - do.
Because of his skills and his attitude, everybody wanted to play with him, and everybody wanted to be on his team. When you played on his team, you KNEW you had a chance to win. He never judged anyone because he knew that everyone makes mistakes. He just worked hard and made his teammates better, and he encouraged, motivated, and inspired us so much that we thought we could beat anybody when he was with us.
We can have the same confidence when we have Jesus in our life. We can do all things through Christ, who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). When Jesus is on our team, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).
Be someone that other people want to play with. Work hard, and work smart, but don't be judgemental. We all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. Help people do more of what they are good at while growing their weaknesses.
The best teams are connected teams. Teams become connected when there aren't afraid to be themselves and when they aren't afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to be a leader, make sure that you are doing the right thing, and don't hold others accountable for things you don't hold yourself accountable for.
And put God first in everything that you do. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and He will provide everything that you need (Matthew 6:33).
THIS WEEK
1 - What is one thing you do well or consistently that you can help your teammates do more or more consistently?
2 - How can you communicate with this and with your teammates? How can you help them see that they need to do more of this and why it is important for them?
3 - What is one thing that you don't do well or consistently enough?
4 - How can you do more of that one thing that you don't do well or consistently enough?
Earlier in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told his disciples, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven (Mathew 5:16).
This week, let your light shine!
For a Google doc version of this devo, click here: Judge Not
Let's say that you are a coach, a teacher, a principal, or in a leadership role and you are starting a new season, a new year, or starting a new leadership position; what are some of the first things, from a cultural standpoint, that you would think about or do to set the tone for success?
Daniel Coyle is the New York Times bestselling author of the Culture Code. He has worked with and learned from some of the best leaders of the best cultures in the world. He was asked this question, and the first thing he said was he would think about the relationship between connections and safety. He says connection and safety are the foundations of a great culture.
"WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY, YOU CAN BE AS SMART AS YOU WANT TO BE, BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADD UP TO MORE THAN THE SUM OF YOUR PARTS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GIVING PEOPLE A VOICE." - DANIEL COYLE
When teams win championships, they often talk about how close they are and how strong their relationships are. When the LA Rams won their second Super Bowl in 2022, head coach Sean McVay said:
"What was so special about this team is it was genuinely a group that wanted to win for someone other than themselves. They were playing for one another."
Great teams have passionate players and coaches who are intrinsically motivated and competitive to try to be the best they can be, but they also have a purpose that is bigger than themselves and their own selfish ambitions. The great teams have players and coaches who embody a We, not Me culture where they love the opportunity to compete but also love the opportunity to coach and play at the highest level with and for someone other than themselves.
A championship purpose comes from having a desire to compete for and with people that you are connected with and care about.
We are hardwired to connect with others and search for social belonging. We need relationships to survive. Great leaders of great cultures intentionally seek out ways to increase connections and belonging among their teammates because they see that belonging is a fundamental, basic need.
When we make people feel like they belong, we have happier, more hopeful, and more engaged teammates. When people don't feel like they belong, they don't work as hard, they don't work as often, and they are more likely to quit or leave.
We lose people because we neglect the human need to feel included. Loneliness is considered by some a pandemic, and loneliness and exclusion can be as bad or worse than unhealthy habits likesmoking, alcoholism, and obesity.
Building connections with the people you work with can increase job performance by 56% and can decrease your turnover rate by 50%.
An important step in building those connections is creating a space where psychological safety can flourish. Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson coined the term psychological safety and define it as, "A shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking." Establishing a climate of safety gives people the freedom and permission to speak up and share their ideas. A championship culture is a culture where people have permission to try and fail, to learn from their mistakes, and to try again.
Building real connections requires having a space where people feel safe enough to share their thoughts and ideas. Sharing and trying new things can be scary and requires vulnerability, something that can feel weird, different, intimidating, and even painful, but as Coyle says, "The pain of vulnerability and exposure is what brings people together."
The people with whom you are the closest are the people with whom you are vulnerable.
Safety does not mean that everyone feels completely safe all of the time. Growth doesn't happen in completely safe conditions. Growth happens through stress, tension, and adversity. Psychological safety and building great cultures are similar to a good workout. If you don't feel any pain or discomfort when you are working out, you probably aren't getting much stronger, but if you feel too much pain and discomfort, you might be doing something wrong and causing more damage than good.
BUILDING AND CO-CREATING TOGETHER
If I am starting a new season or a new role, I am going to start by creating a space where everyone has a voice, and where we are building and co-creating something together. One useful thing to co-create is a team charter or a team share purpose.
Every new year, let the old year go, start the new year strong understanding that there will be a new set of challenges, and talk about why we are here, how we are going to work together, and what we are going to work towards, and what are rules of engagement are going to be.
You can do that by creating a shared vision. Ask everyone to write down why they are on them and what they hope to accomplish. Take everybody's answers and then use them to create one shared vision.
USER MANUAL
There is a user manual or user guide for everything except for people. Why? Create a series of prompts and questions followed by conversations about what would be in your own personal user manual. The process of pausing, thinking about, documenting, and having a conversation about how you want to be treated is an impactful team-building activity and a big part of culture building. When we learn about other people and share about ourselves, it brings people together.
You can make a 1-page, User Manual for everyone:
1 - I am at my best when ...
2 - I am at my worst when ...
3 - What I need from this team is ...
4 - What I can help this team with is ...
Take those 4 answers and create a team User Manual that defines what we are going to do and how we are going to do it.
PIT STOPS
Formula 1 race cars are required to make a pit stop in the middle of their race. Their tires wear down through the course of the race, they have to take a quick stop to check and then replace them.
A quick Pit Stop in the middle of the season or year to facilitate is:
1 - Are we working well together?
2 - What is working?
3 - What is not working?
4 - What should we be doing differently?
Simple meetings where you get teams together and just talk are powerful. Here are some questions to ask to spark conversations that lead to meaningful connections:
1 - What are you most excited about?
2 - What do we look like at our best?
3 - How are we doing?
4 - What are we curious about right now?
5 - How can I help the teamwork better?
6 - What am I or we doing right, and what am I or we doing wrong?
VULNERABILITY
Answering questions like this can be a vulnerable exercise because it can be hard to open up. Moments o but vulnerability is about visibility. Create a shared sense of where we are and of our situational awareness with each other so that we can function better as a group.
USER MANUAL
There is a user manual for everything except for people. Why? Create a series of prompts and questions followed by conversations about your User Manual. The process of pausing, thinking about, documenting, and having a conversation about how you want to be treated is an impactful team-building activity and a big part of culture building. Learning about other people and sharing about ourselves brings people together.
SUMMARY
When starting something new, focus on establishing a culture built on connections and safety. Find ways to build and sustain relationships by creating Treatment Agreements or User Manuals for how we want to be treated and how we want to treat each other. Create a shared vision for what you want to accomplish and how you want to accomplish it.
Remember that success is rarely linear, but is full of successful and failed experiments. Try new things then take the time to reflect on what went great, what went bad, and how to learn and grow from the experience.
Find ways to capitalize on our universal need to feel like we belong and to be a part of something.
What I've learned is to always keep going - ALWAYS. There have been times, particularly early in my career, where you just feel like this is the end. But what I've come to find out is that no matter what happens, the storm eventually ends, and when the storm does end, you want to make sure that you are ready. So I've really learned to put one foot in front of the other - good, bad, or indifferent - because eventually, that storm passes.
Adversity is a part of everyone's journey. Injuries happen. You might lose a big game or your starting spot. You might have a rough practice, a game, a tournament, or an entire season where nothing seems to go your way.
Know that storms will come, and prepare yourself for them. Work hard, be a great teammate, and live, work, and play with energy and enthusiasm.
When the storms come, fight through them and just keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don't stop, because eventually, all storms.
1 - What is one storm that you have fought through?
2 - What did you do to overcome the storm?
3 - How did you feel when you fought through the storm?
4 - What lesson did you learn from that moment that you can use the next time you are facing a storm?
Every year, somebody gets cut from a team, gets passed in the draft, and gets dismissed or mistreated in the locker room.
Many athletes are not able to let those slights go, and many of them hold on to those grudges intentionally to use them as motivation.
Tom Brady probably still gets emotional when thinking about getting passed over for six other quarterbacks, and 192 other players. After winning the super bowl after leaving the New England Patriots for the Tamba Bay Buccaneers, he released a commercial including headlines, voice-overs, and tweets from his many skeptics and unbelievers, including athletes, sportswriters, and fans, criticizing him and doubting his ability to play at a high level at his age.
Tom Brady has used those slights, grudges, and criticism to help him win a record 7 Super Bowls.
The ultimate grudge-holder in sports might be Michael Jordan. If you looked at Jordan wrong, he might hold a grudge against you. He made up grudges to motivate himself, and he used his hall of fame speech to attack everyone from his school coach and team to his college coach and roommate, to even his kids.
But is it really okay to hold grudges? These two used grudges to propel them to greatness, but be careful, because even the most harmless grudges can lead to anger, and anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (John 1:20).
How are we supposed to handle the grudges we have? When someone does us wrong, intentionally or unintentionally, how are we supposed to respond?
I think about the love of a mother. There is no love like a mother’s love. A mother has the difficult job of running the house, providing guidance and discipline, doing all of the junk work with little thanks or praise, and they wake up and do it over and over again.
If anyone can or should hold a grudge, a mother could because of all she has to go through, but she doesn’t. She just loves, gives love, and shows love.
Jesus taught the disciples, "If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew 6:14-15)."
In Ephesians, Paul wrote, "In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27)." He later wrote, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:29-32).
Though anger is a human emotion that we all feel, don’t hold onto a grudge in a way that will turn into anger. Don't hold on to your anger because it keeps you from the righteousness of God. Instead of holding on to anger, forgive the people who have done you wrong. Do what you can to build people up, and be kind, compassionate, and forgiving.
THIS WEEK
1 - Who is one person that you can forgive this week?
2 - What is one grudge that you are holding on to that you need to let go of?
3 - What makes forgiveness so difficult?
4 - What is a Bible verse or inspirational story or quote that you can use to help you forgive someone or overcome a grudge?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.”
This week, when I am feeling down, slighted, and start feeling angry, I will come back to this verse. I will come back to love.
I recently asked an educational
leader, "How do you motivate unmotivated students?" He said,
"Read The Pedagogy of Confidence" by Dr. Yvette Jackson.
I have only read the introduction of
this book, but I now feel a light glowing in my head. Actually, that light is a
glow. Dr. Jackson writes that confidence that comes from competence - having
the ability, knowledge, or skill to do something successfully - actually
creates a glow in your brain. When you are good at something, you gain more
confidence. When that happens, and you start to believe in yourself more, you
start to burn glucose that results in our brain "glowing" from this
energy. This response makes us feel stronger and surer about ourselves and our
abilities. This leads to more motivation - even from our athletes who we label
as unmotivated.
Success -> Feeling Competent ->
Build Confidence -> Gain Motivation
We live in a society that focuses on
and celebrates winning at all costs. We privilege and praise work, and one of
the worst things that we can be called is a 'loser.' If we lose enough, or if
we don't show success in something, we can develop feelings of incompetence
that dim the light on our passion and leave us unmotivated.
Failure -> Feeling Incompetent
-> Lose Motivation
This can also lead to a focus on what
we and our athletes can't do. Our focus on our weaknesses can be so strong that
we undervalue our strengths and cause us to become even more unmotivated.
Dr. Jackson states the key to getting
out of this rut and motivating the unmotivated is asking "What are your
strengths?" and, "What are the strengths of your athletes?"
When we believe in people, we focus
more on their strengths and what they can do. When we focus on their strengths,
we ask questions like, "What do they do well?" and, "What do
they do the best?"
Our athlete's motivation to work and
learn is directly affected by our confidence in their potential AND in our
confidence in our ability - as coaches, teachers, and parents - to nurture and
cultivate this potential.
We show our confidence in our
athlete's ability to learn and grow by fearlessly articulating and supporting a
belief that everyone can learn and grow, and by believing in our ability to
help everyone learn and grow.
EVERYONE CAN LEARN AND GROW, AND WE
HAVE THE ABILITY TO HELP EVERYONE LEARN AND GROW
Motivating the unmotivated begins
with standing up against a deficit culture that focuses on weaknesses, and
cultivating confidence in your ability to build on your strengths and the
strengths of others. It then requires finding ways to earn small victories that
build up our competence and confidence.
MOTIVATION COMES FROM CONFIDENCE.
CONFIDENCE COMES FROM COMPETENCE.
Your culture, your team, and your
locker room must be an oasis that inspires, encourages, and motivates learning,
growth, and hard work. It is generated by a culture that accommodates and
assimilates the many different cultures of the people that make up the team. A
shared culture that accepts, appreciates, values, and integrates the many
different cultures of the people that make up the team is a strong culture
through which motivation can grow.
Remember, motivation starts with
belief in yourself and belief in those you coach and lead. Belief grows from
competence. Small, successful steps lead to more competence and more
confidence. More confidence leads to more belief. More belief leads to more
motivation. More motivation leads to more success, and the cycle continues.
And never underestimate the power of
meaningful and positive relationships in this process. Building relationships
and building bridges between what you are teaching, and the lived experiences
of our athletes tells them that we value who they are and the lives they have
outside of sports. Show them that you appreciate the reciprocal relationship
necessary to make our team an oasis in which they feel like they can
confidently grow.
Jean Piaget once said, "People
shape themselves to fit their world." Focus on your strengths and the
strengths of the people you lead so they can shape themselves to fit in a world
where they are successful.
Start by asking yourself, "What
do I do well, what do I do great, and what do I do the best?"
Ask yourself, "How can I do more
of what I do great?"
Ask yourself, "Which athletes
have I impacted the most, and what did I do to impact them?"
Then go motivate the unmotivated and
change lives.
NBA star Damian Lillard once said, “If you want to look good in front of thousands, you have to outwork thousands in front of nobody.”
To be great at anything, you have to put in the work, and most of the time that work is done in front of nobody. No cell phones, no social media, and no audience; just you and the work.
And then when you have success, celebrate your success humbly, recognize that your hard work pays off, give praise to God, and keep working.
Fall in love with the process of working hard and getting better, and let your success do the talking for you rather than going around and telling everybody how great you are.
In Jesus’s famous Sermon on the Mount, he said:
“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 6:1).”
Jesus then said:
“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you (Matthew 6:2-4).”
Work hard, do good work, and be good to people, but you don’t have to go around telling everybody how hard you work, or all of the good things you do, or all of the good things you do for other people.
Previously, in Matthew 5, Jesus taught that righteousness includes what is in our hearts - our thoughts and attitudes - as much as our outward actions.
Trust in the Lord, and do good. Remain faithful. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:3-4).
Do the right thing, not to be seen by others, but because it is the right thing to do. Doing the right thing brings glory to God. Don’t do things just to be seen or for the approval of others. Do things to seek the approval of God, and he will continue to bless you (Isaiah 61:7).
THIS WEEK
1 - What is one thing that you can do every day this week, in silence and on your own, that is going to get you closer to your goals or dreams?
2 - Who is one person or teammate that you can do something for without sounding a trumpet and telling the world about what you did?
3 - What is one thing that is keeping you from doing something that you need to do to get closer to reaching your goals?
4 - Find a quote or Bible verse that can help you overcome that barrier and take the next steps toward reaching your goals.
In Psalm 37:3, it is written, "Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper." Trust God and do good. This is my go-to verse for this week. This week, I commit to putting God first by taking time each morning to pray and read my Bible, and by trusting God and doing good. I will find ways to do good things for others because it is the right thing; not because I want to receive a reward for it.
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