Week 24 Devo | Fear Not

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions that we have, and it is one of the worst feelings. Fear can stop you in your tracks, freeze you in place, and keep you from doing what you want to do or need to do to be successful.

My first year as a head coach, I would get so nervous and fearful right before tip-off that my fingers and knees would start shaking, and I would want to walk off the court and into the stands to watch the game with everyone else. I would ask myself, “How can I be a coach if I am so afraid to coach?”

I am now about to begin my 15th year as a coach. I made it through the fear. I did it afraid until I wasn’t afraid anymore. I still get nervous before almost every game, but it is now a healthy nervousness that is manageable.

Through my journey, I learned that courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is doing what you want to do or need to do in the face of fear. You can’t wait until you don’t feel fear because fear is always going to be present and trying to stop you. Fear is like a thief roaming around looking for people whom it can stop and keep from moving forward and achieving their dreams.

On my journey, I have also learned how to seek God first when I feel fear. The Bible is a powerful weapon that we can use to fight fear. The Bible tells us how we are supposed to live our lives. The Bible says that God did not give us a spirit of fear because He doesn’t want us to have fear. God gave us a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.

After giving His famous Sermon on the Mount where He included some of his best-known teachings like the Beatitudes and the Lord's Prayer, Jesus spent time demonstrating His power by healing many people, including a paralyzed man, men with demons inside of them, and two blind men.

He then called his twelve disciples together and gave them the same power and authority He used to cast out evil spirits and to heal every kind of disease and illness, and He sent them to announce that the Kingdom of Heaven was near and to heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, cast out demons, and to give freely.

Jesus told them that He was sending them out like sheep among wolves, so they need to be as shrewd as snakes while remaining as harmless as doves. He told them they would be arrested and beaten because they followed Jesus, but that would just be another opportunity to share the message of Jesus with the rulers and non-believers.

He told His disciples, “Don’t be afraid.” Jesus said that not even a single bird can fall to the ground without God knowing it. God knows so much about you that He knows how many hairs are on your head, and He cares more about you than an entire flock of sparrows, so He will protect you and take care of you.

One of my favorite verses is when Jesus said:

“When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” Matthew‬ ‭10:19-20‬ 

This verse tells me that if I seek God first and stick with Him, God will give me the right thoughts and words at the right time.

‬‬Fear is no joke. Fear kills action, plans, hopes, and dreams. But we don’t have to let fear kill any of ours. Learn how to seek God first, learn how to have courage, and learn how to do things afraid. Know that God has great plans for you. He has plans for you to prosper and for you to have joy that overflows. God has hope and a future for you. Know that all things work together for the good of those who believe in God.

Know that no matter how afraid you might feel, if you keep moving forward with faith in knowing that no matter how hard or far you fall, God will be there to catch you.

THIS WEEK

1 - What is one thing you are facing or one thing that is coming up that you are afraid of?

2 - What tools or resources or friends do you have that can help you be successful or keep moving through fear?

3 - What is one thing that you have done in the past that you were afraid of but ended up doing anyway?

4 - What is a Bible verse that you can go to or lean on when you feel fear?

My three Bible verses for this week are:

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” 

- Jeremiah 29:11.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

- 2nd Timothy 1:7

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

- Romans 8:28

For a Google Doc version of this Devo, click here: Fear Not

Week 25 Devo | Who Was Your Greatest Teacher?

Kobe Bryant was asked a simple question, "Who was your greatest teacher growing up?" 

Kobe said he had a lot of great teachers, and that included his parents. They instilled in him the importance of imagination and curiosity. They also taught him that he could do whatever he wants, but he has to put in the work to get there.

Kobe grew up with the fundamental belief that he could do anything he wanted if he was willing to put in the work.

But basketball wasn't always easy for him. When he was 11 years old, he played in a very prominent summer league in Philadelphia called the Sonny Hill League. His father, his uncle, and NBA legends like Wilt Chamberlain and Earl the Pearl Monroe played in this league. He went the entire summer without scoring one point. Kobe said he was terrible and still growing into his body, but he didn't score a single point at all. He said that he remembered crying about it and his father just gave him a hug and said, "Listen, whether you score 0 or score 60, I'm going to love you no matter what." Kobe said, "That is the most important thing that you can say to a child because it gave me all the confidence to fail - I have the security there."

This story is so powerful for me because we are as strong as our foundation. When we have a strong, healthy foundation, we have what it takes to go out and try and fail because we know we have a safety net that we can fall back on. Kobe's dad was that safety net early on for him. His love for his son made his son comfortable and confident enough to take chances and take risks.

How often do you not go for something because you think you might fail?

This story reminds me of the greatest teacher in my life. That teacher is Jesus. His message, His stories, His teachings, and the words of the Bible are my foundation. We can do all things through Christ, who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). Jesus said to His disciples, "I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing (John 15:5).

Remaining in Jesus means to pray, read your Bible, and fix your thoughts on things that are good for you and things that are good for the people around you.

It won't mean that you will live a life without trouble. Jesus told his disciples, "I have said these things to you that in me, you may have peace. In the world, you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33)."

Kobe's dad never told him that he would not have trouble and adversity on his basketball journey. He told him that he loves him no matter what. But Kobe, with the confidence to fail, said he would rather go for 60 than 0, and he went to work. He said this is when he learned about the importance of having a long-term view. He wasn't going to catch up to these kids in a week or a year; he needed a plan. Kobe created a menu of things that he wanted to work on, and he began working on them each year.

By the time Kobe was 14 years old, he was the best player in the state. He focused on the basics and the fundamentals, and because he stuck to the fundamentals, he caught up to all the kids who he couldn’t score against.

The fundamentals of being a follower of Christ include reading the Bible and praying. Find different areas of your life that you want to work on, find Bible verses about them, read them, think about them, pray about them, and over time, you will find victory over them.

Show up every single day and do the work.

THIS WEEK

1 - What is ONE thing that you want to get better at this week? It could be a performance skill like dribbling with your left hand or making more pull-up jump shots. It could be a character skill like working on your focus or patience.

If you don’t know what to choose, the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. One of those would be a great place to start!

2 - What are you going to do to work on this ONE thing this week?

3 - What is one thing that will hold you back or distract you from improving on or working on that one thing?

4 - What is a story or Bible verse that you can use to keep you motivated to push through all distractions and barriers so that you can continue to grow in this ONE thing?

In Colossians 3:2, Paul wrote, "Set your minds and keep them set on what is above, not on things that are on the earth." Decide who you want to be, and figure out what you have to do to do it. Then set your mind and keep it set on those things.

For a Google doc version, click here: Who Was Your Greatest Teacher

Do You Get Nervous?

Do you get nervous?

Kobe Bryant was once working with a group of young athletes on a panel for a Project Play summit when he asked one of the athletes, "Do you get nervous?"

They said, "A little. Some butterflies, maybe."

Kobe replied, "Completely normal. Same thing you get before you play or perform."

He then told them a story. He said that before going onto the court to play games, he would wait in the tunnel of the arena and listen to the crowd. He was like a character in a movie, and he was ready to embrace his role as either the hero or the villain - whichever character he needed to be. He was ready to earn the cheers and the boos.

Just before jogging onto the floor, if he still felt anxious or nervous, Kobe would mentally transform into "The Black Mamba," emotionless and untouchable. It was like Maximus, the Roman general who later fought as a Gladiator in the arena, rubbing dirt on his hands before going into battle. No opponent or circumstance would intimidate him.

Kobe said, "That is why superheroes work so well. It is representative of us."

In one of his last interviews, Kobe says that he deals with fear by facing it head-on. When he was asked how he sees past the cloud of fear and emotion, he said:

“I try to be still and understand that things and emotions come and go, and the important thing to do is to accept them all, to embrace them all, and then you can choose to do with them what you want, versus being controlled by emotion.”

Players can be so consumed by fear to the point where they say, 'Nah, it’s not good to feel fear. I shouldn’t be nervous.' It does nothing but grow, versus stepping back and saying, 'Yeah, I am nervous about this situation, yeah I am fearful about this situation, but what am I afraid of?'

And then you unpack it and see it for what it really is, which is nothing more than your imagination.”

Fear is nothing more than your imagination running its course; it’s not really a thing. Kobe then said:

“You think about game-winning shots or game-winning free throws; people go to the free-throw line and they’re nervous about it. What are you really nervous about? If you miss the shot, then what happens? Are you going to be embarrassed because 1,000s or millions of people see you miss the shot? And then what? People are going to talk bad about you? Are those things even important? Are you worried about letting your teammates down? I’m sure you’ve let them down before, at practice and things of that nature, and they are still here. When you are able to unpack it, you look at it for what it is, which is really nothing.”

Unpack nervousness and fear, and don’t hide from it. Be able to look at your emotions and deal with them. Success and failure are both parts of life. Trial and error tell you, “Sometimes you make the shot, and sometimes you miss the shot.”

You can't be the hero if you aren't willing to take the risk. And every hero fails at least once before they win.

Life is a cycle of good days and bad days. Life is a journey of evolution and the results don’t really matter. Constantly improve, stay curious, and constantly search for ways to get better. If you do that, you will win more and you will have more fun along the way.

We get obsessed with the results instead of being obsessed with trying to figure it out, learn, grow, and enjoy it all! 

We get obsessed with the results, but the beauty is in the process, the journey, and the growth.

WHEN YOU FEEL NERVOUS OR FEAR, ASK YOURSELF

1 - What are you afraid of?

2 - What could happen?

3 - What is the worse that could happen?

4 - Are those things really important?

5 - Will this matter in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years?

Would you rather take the shot and miss, or would you rather never take the shot and watch someone else do it? We will win or lose anyway, so I might as well take the shot and haven’t the opportunity to be the hero. If I miss, it’s not the end of the world. I'll learn from it and try better next time.

Week 24 | She Gives Them Confidence

Have you ever played with someone who made you more confident just because they were on your team?

Paige Buekers plays basketball for the University of Connecticut. She was the number 1 player in the country in high school and won the National Player of the Year award as a freshman. She is a great basketball player, and by all accounts, a great person.

But like many athletes, Paige has had to battle through injuries. Early in her sophomore season, Paige missed over 2 months of the season because of a knee injury. During that time, UConn's women's basketball team, one of the most dominant teams in the sport over the last 20 years, dropped out of the top-10 rankings for the first time in 17 years.

Their head coach, Geno Auriemma, said, "When we lost her, a lot of other players really felt that loss hard because it puts so much on their shoulders. They began to understand just how much Paige does for them."

He then said, "She gives them confidence. Teams' confidence sometimes wavers; it goes up and down. But if you have somebody like Paige on the floor whose confidence never wavers, it is infectious and the rest of the team knows there won't be any droughts."

One player and one person can make a big difference, and in our lives, that one person is Jesus. No matter how fierce the opponent, we can have confidence that Jesus will be there with us and for us. We won't win every battle, but we will be okay as long as He is on our team.

There is a story in the Bible about a centurion, a Roman military officer, whose faith in Jesus made a big difference (Matthew 8:5-13).

When Jesus finished his famous Sermon on the Mount, He went into a town called Capernaum where the centurion asked for His help. His servant was paralyzed at home and suffering terribly, and Jesus asked if He should come and heal him. The centurion told Jesus: 

“Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him:

“Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

This story tells me two things. First, it tells me that our confidence, no matter how down and out we might feel, and no matter how overmatched we might think we are in a game, we have a God who will always stop and take the time to help us if we are willing to ask.

It also tells me that we can have so much faith and confidence in Jesus that we can ask Him for ANYTHING, and he can provide. Not only did the centurion have enough faith to ask Jesus to heal his servant, the centurion had enough faith to tell Jesus that He didn't need to come to his house to heal His son - Jesus could do it from where He was, without seeing the servant and without the servant seeing Him, because of His power and authority.

It takes enough faith for someone to ask a man to heal the sick, cursed, and dying. It takes even more faith for someone to believe that Jesus could heal his servant from where He stood. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for; the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

Faith is trusting something, even if we can't see it.

Jesus wants us to have faith in Him. He wants us to live a great life, full of love, joy, and peace. He wants us to have confidence. He wants us to believe in ourselves. 

Because of this one centurion and his story being shared in the Bible, we know we can have and play with confidence, belief, and faith in Jesus, and through our faith and belief and trust in God, we too can make those around us better.

THIS WEEK

1 - Who is one person or teammate that you have been around or played with who gave you confidence or made you better?

2 - What are 1-3 things that they did to give you confidence or make you better?

3 - Who is someone you can give confidence to or make better?

4 - What is a Bible verse you can lean on this week?

God wants us to have confidence in life, for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and of self-discipline (2nd Timothy 1-7).

For a Google doc version of this devo, click here: She Gives Them Confidence.

Kenny Smith - THAT Is Who Coach Smith Was

All the Smoke is a weekly podcast series featuring former NBA players Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson. In one of their latest episodes, they interviewed Kenny Smith. Kenny played at the University of North Carolina with Michael Jordan and for the legendary coach Dean Smith.

When he was asked to tell a story about Coach Smith, Kenny told a fantastic story that is a MUST listen for EVERY coach, teacher, and anyone who leads or works with people.

Coach Smith sent one of his assistant coaches to Africa for a week to learn more about the culture of one of their athletes.

They had a young man on their team named Makhtar N'diaye. Makhtar was having a tough time in practice, and assistant coach Bill Guthridge there him out of practice. After practice, Coach Smith goes to Makhtar and asks if everything is alright. Makhtar would respond, but he wouldn't look Coach Smith in his eyes. Coach Smith told Makhtar, "Look at me when I'm talking to you." Makhtar told him in his culture that to look an adult in the eye is a sign of disrespect.

Instead of forcing his culture on Makhtar, Coach Smith said, "Oh, okay," and walked out. The next day, Coach Guthridge, the coach who threw him out of practice, was not at practice. Coach Guthridge was gone for a week. Makhtar eventually got a phone call from his mom telling him that Coach Guthridge has been in Africa for a week to learn about their culture.

Coach Smith sent Coach Guthridge to Africa to learn his culture so that he would never make that mistake again.

Author Daniel Coyle writes, "Group culture is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. Culture is a set of living relationships working toward a shared goal. It's not something you are. It's something you do." Great leaders seek to build connections and co-create culture with the people they lead and serve.

Every coach has their rules and standards. It is important for people to learn some of the cultural norms of the group they are a part of, but fully engage your athletes by working with them, not against them, by leveraging their experiences and cultures.

Week 23 Devo | What Is Your Foundation?

Hailey Van Lith is one of the best college basketball players in the country. She helped lead the University of Louisville to the Final Four as a sophomore, and she has already won a couple of gold medals playing for the United States in the FIBA World Cup and in the FIBA 3x3 World Cup.

What I love most about Hailey is that she has a solid foundation built on hard work and toughness.

When Hailey was in high school, she would train with her dad every day after practice for 1.5 - 2 hours. She said that her dad raised her in a culture of ‘always working,’ and she doesn’t really know anything else. Hailey also said she can see the difference between her competitors who have worked hard over the years, and the competitors who relied on talent and athleticism.

At some point, your talent and athleticism won’t be enough to outweigh hard work and grit.

Our foundation is important because as author James Clear says, “You don’t rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Your goals are what you WANT to do. Your systems are what you do every day. Every thought and action that you have is a vote for the type of person you choose to be.

As followers of Jesus, we can choose to have Him as our foundation. Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus says:

“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

In sports, a solid foundation is one built on hard work, a growth mindset, grit, and enjoying the journey. In life, a solid foundation is one built on and around Jesus Christ. He was sent to us, by God, to do the will of God, to save sinners, and to bring light to the world by being made to be like people and face the same temptations and adversity that we face, but by overcoming them. Our job is to learn more about Him and obey His message. If we do, we are building a solid foundation that can overcome the troubles and struggles of life.

A simple process to follow in building a foundation on solid rock includes:

1 - Have a Healthy Fear of God

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). Real knowledge, wisdom, and understanding start with God, who He is, what He is like, why He created the world, and how He deals with sin. God created the world out of love, and the world turned away from Him. But God was so committed to the world and loves the world so much that He sacrificed His only son to the cross for it. You can know everything the world has to offer, but none of it matters if you don’t know God and His word because He is the source of life, and He is the light of the world.

2 - Take Captive Every Thought and Make It Obedient to God (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)
Think about what you are thinking about. Your thoughts control your attitude and directly affects your life and how you feel. Guard your heart, guard your mind, guard your thoughts. Thoughts impact your attitude, and your attitude determines your altitude. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Analyze your thoughts and make sure they align with one of those fruits!

3 - Be a Light and Go And Make Disciples of All (Matthew 28)
Go and make disciples of all the nations by being a good person and by helping and blessing others. Help others learn about Jesus, believe in Jesus, and obey His words. Teach them to observe everything that He has taught (Matthew 28:19-20). Let your light shine in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 5:16). And remember that people will follow you because of who you are, what you do, and how you make people feel - not by what you say.

4 - Read Your Bible. Everyday
The story of God is the story of the world. Read the entire Bible, and read some of it every day. Read it over and over again. This is where knowledge begins. This is where you learn how to have a healthy fear of God, how to align your thoughts to His words, and how to be a light and make disciples. This is where you learn about Jesus, and where you learn how to be more like Jesus. This is where you learn from the mistakes, successes, and lessons of the people in the Bible. Life was created by God so that we may know the source of life so that we can make Him known, and so that we can enjoy Him, forever. Reading the Bible, every day, is how we get to know him better.

5 - Pray Without Ceasing
According to the National Science Foundation, the average person thinks 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts in one day, 85% of those thoughts are negative, and 95% of those thoughts are the same repetitive thoughts from the previous day (source). Instead of allowing negative thoughts to flow freely through you, fill your thoughts with words from the Bible.

THIS WEEK

1 - Write down the answer to these two questions: “Who do you want to be, and what are three things that you need as a solid foundation?” My goal is to write a book, and one thing that I need to do as a foundation is writing every day. The other thing I need to do as a foundation is read every day.

2 - What is one thing that holds you back from doing what you need to do to build a strong foundation? Social media is a distraction that keeps me from reading and writing more.

3 - What is something you can do to overcome those barriers? I plan on monitoring my social media use. I won’t use it within 15 minutes of waking up and going to sleep.

4 - What is a Bible verse or story you can lean on to help you overcome those barriers? I will lean on John 16:33: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.””

I pray that this week we are able to identify who we are, who we want to be, and some foundational things that we can do to help us become who we want to become. I pray that we identify barriers to success, and I pray that we find ways to overcome those barriers. I pray for these things in Jesus’s name, amen.

For a Google doc version of this, click here: What is Your Foundation

Treatment Agreements - Building Relationships That Matter to Winning

Managing relationships on teams is just as important - if not more important - than managing Xs and Os. Two important questions that coaches and teams who are looking to increase their team's self-awareness and connectedness are: How well are we working together? How might we get better at it?

Treatment Agreements are a very important part of what I do as a coach because every athlete wants to receive feedback, praise, and criticism differently. Treatment Agreements systematically help us answer those two questions proactively and reactively.

Some athletes want to be praised publicly and criticized privately, and some need the complete opposite. For some athletes, how they receive praise and feedback truly doesn't matter, but for many, how we communicate with them could be the difference between our athletes giving us their best effort or shutting down on the team. 

Our athletes also respond differently to how coaches praise and criticize them versus how their teammates praise and criticize them.

I am currently coaching a Nike EYBL girls basketball team. EYBL stands for Elite Youth Basketball League. It is the most competitive high school basketball league in the country. In the EYBL, a very select group of high school girls compete on only 32 teams across the country. To be a top-level EYBL team, you have to have some of the top players in your area and quickly create a positive team culture.

Our biggest challenge is trying to get a group of girls, many of whom did not know each other before, to play with and for each other in an environment where they are competing with and for each other for exposure and scholarship opportunities.

It can be a cut-throat environment, and you don't have much time to create a winning, selfless culture, so you have to be very intentional about how you create a space where everyone feels safe being themselves, safe sharing vulnerability, and has a shared purpose.

We do some intentional things to create a shared purpose for the group by helping them identify their individual goals and mission for the summer, but we had to figure out how to build team chemistry to be successful because were aren't the most talented group and we haven't been together as long as some of the other teams.

Daniel Coyle has spent the last decade studying the best cultures around the world. He says that when we join a new team, our brains spend time and energy trying to decide if we belong or not. Our brains want to know if we are safe and if we have a future with this team and the people on it.

Great teams with great chemistry build great cultures through the exchange of belonging cues - small, meaningful, and impactful behaviors that say: "You belong here, you are valued here, you are safe here, we share a future together, we care about you, you have a voice, and you matter."

Treatment Agreements do all of this. They are like rules with a heartbeat. They set the tone for how we want to treat each other.

A Treatment Agreement is a set of basic ground rules that we ask all of our teammates to follow. The Treatment Agreement answers 3 basic questions:

1 - How do the athletes want to be treated (praised and coached up) by their coaches?
2 - How do the coaches want to be treated by their athletes?
3 - How do the athletes want to be treated (praised and held accountable) by their teammates?

As Daniel Coyle writes, feedback is one of the key pillars of high-performing teams, but feedback is tricky. Some athletes truly don't know how they really want to be treated, and some won’t give you the truth out of fear of feeling judged or because of a lack of trust.

Self-awareness requires some time for reflection, and when people join a new team, there is an understandable lack of trust. We beat this by getting vulnerable and staying vulnerable.

Here are four thoughts to use to help your athletes open up and share their truths:

Start With 'WHY'
We all have our reasons for why we do what we do. When doing a Treatment Agreement, we start with WHY we are doing them. We tell our athletes, “We want to make this the best experience we can for everyone and to do so, we need to know how you want to be praised and how you want to be held accountable. Opening up and being real and honest isn't always easy, but we need you to be honest with us so we can best help you and so that we can be the best team that we can be.”

Model Vulnerability (Leaders Go First)
Chemistry is created by small, repeated moments of vulnerability, and nothing is more powerful than when a coach shares their vulnerability. I share with my athletes that I have had to learn how to receive criticism publicly, and when I was growing up, I played best when my coach addressed me 1-on-1. Make it okay to be real and honest.

Hug The Messenger
Harvard professor Amy Edmonson says that we have to hug the messenger and let them know how much we need their feedback. When our athletes open up and share, thank them for being real and honest so that you can help them feel safe enough to continue to do so again.

No Jerk Rule
Finally, don't let anyone be mean or make fun of anyone else for opening up and being honest and real. Research shows that people on teams who value civility are 59% more likely to share information with each other than people on teams who don't. Define your expectations for how you expect everyone to be treated, manage it, and model it for your athletes.

How To Do It
In the classroom, we create Treatment Agreement posters. On one of the first days of school, we do this together and we hang it up somewhere visible and somewhere where we can access it. We go through each section together, and we revisit the Treatment Agreements every 9 weeks because grades go out every 9 weeks. 

With my basketball team, we use a less formal process. We only have 2 months together, and I’m not a very formal person. We get in a circle and I ask 4 questions:

1 - How do you want your coaches to praise you? Publicly or privately?

2 - How do you want your coaches to hold you accountable?Publicly or privately?

3 - How do you want your teammates to praise you? Publicly or privately?

4 - How do you want your teammates to hold you accountable? Publicly or privately?

This works well for us. I start, and we go in order, giving everyone the opportunity to share. It gives us the opportunity to have open conversations and get real with each other. We feel like our athletes are honest, and our athletes usually share similar thoughts, but in different ways. We validate the thoughts and feelings of everyone, and we are able to talk about the different needs that everybody has and how we can meet those needs while still holding each other meaningfully accountable.

We have two major tournaments each summer, one in May and one in June. We Circle and talked about our Treatment Agreement before the first tournament, and we do it again after the first tournament. The Treatment Agreement is a living document that can be changed at any time. Whenever we have issues with how we are treating each other, or when we have new teammates, we jump into a Circle and talk about it.

The key is getting your kids to be real and honest. Effectively explaining the reason for doing this, going first and modeling being real and vulnerable for them, hugging the messenger, and implementing a no-jerk policy definitely helps!!