Building Deeper Relationships Lead to Better Play

A big part of coaching is our ability to connect with our athletes and their families. A quote that will stick with me is, "He made me feel seen, heard, and cared for as a learner." As coaches, we can easily change that quote to say, "My coach made me feel seen, heard, and cared for as an athlete, and as a person."

We are wired for connection. We all have different reasons for why we started playing and why we have stayed around the game, but at the foundation of sports is the human need to connect. Our brain's two main goals are to stay safe and be happy. We internally protect our self-worth, our self-determination, our well-being, and our connection to the community.

To get our athletes to perform at their best for themselves and for the team, we need our athletes to feel like they are valued members of the team, and we do that by minimizing threats and maximizing well-being.

Sometimes, one of the biggest threats to our athletes can be ourselves. We have all seen those students who misbehave in certain classes and for certain teachers who do great in other classes or for other teachers. We see athletes that struggle for one coach and who excel for other coaches. One of my goals as a teacher and a coach is to be the coach/teacher that finds a way to help all kids find success and maximize their potential. I want to be a kid's opportunity, not their threat.

What I learned early in my coaching career is that some of my athletes were raised differently than I was, some of them just don't care as much as I did, and some don't have the same work habits that I did. Also, some kids don't respond to criticism and coaching the way that I did. I spent the first few years of my career complaining about it, but now I find ways to adjust. I realized how unfair it was to my athletes to think that they learned like I learned and have the same cultural ideas and beliefs and expectations that I had. 

There are a few foundational things that I think you have to do if you want consistency, structure, and sustained success as a team, but I had to learn how to communicate those 'must-haves' to my athletes in a way that they could buy-into and believe in those things so that we can be successful as a team while getting to know my athletes better so that I can know what makes them tick, what makes them respond, and what motivates them so that they can be the best players that they can be.

The first step in connecting with athletes is beginning with intention. The act of committing to the process of building better relationships with your athletes gets your brain, and your will, ready, and it gives your brain ready and permission to build the stamina and courage needed to get through the process when challenges come.

The next steps are self-reflection and self-awareness. Some of our athletes do things differently, talk differently, have different habits and value systems - and that is okay. Inward reflection means being willing and able to listen and change so that we can respond positively and constructively to athletes who might be different.

Two ways to self-reflect are to know what your frame of reference is and to start to widen your cultural lens.

1 - What is your frame of reference?

Know what values and belief system that you have. Know what your parents and coaches taught you. What are your non-negotiables? What do your players, and parents, need to know about you and your coaching style so that they can be successful. These questions provide a foundation for why you do the things that you do.

Then, be able to answer that question for every athlete, and family, on your team so that you can better understand why they do the things that they do.

2 - Widen your cultural lens.

We all live and operate under a set of norms and beliefs, and those norms and beliefs, no matter how foundational they may be to you, they might not be foundational to all of your athletes - and that is okay.

Start each season with team expectations and community agreements. This lets everyone knows what your expectations are. It also helps you better understand what their cultural beliefs and expectations are. 

When your athletes are consistently doing something that does not fall in line with team beliefs and agreements, you have the team agreements to fall back on.

If they keep doing what is keeping them from doing __________, __________, or __________, it might be a behavior issue, or it might be a simple misunderstanding that just needed a conversation.

Our athletes today are very aware of culture, their identities, and the world around them. They need more of a connection upfront and that takes effort from us. Throughout the season, we have to continue to focus on that connection and sense of belonging. Doing so keeps the team happier and the locker room better. 

When we have happy and safe athletes, you have created an environment where they want to come and when they are more willing to give their best, try new things, and buy-into the team.